Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Waiter! More Wine! And Make it Snappy!

Hello, lover.

Please enjoy these hypothetical instructions for getting your waiter to keep filling your glass.  Hypothetical, with pictures.  Purely coincidental.

1.  Show up at the restaurant with two of your three children right at 5:30 PM, otherwise known as the witching hour.  The only other people in the restaurant are those with small children and the elderly, who are enjoying the Early Bird Special.

2.  Wear the shirt that got blood on it when Small had a bloody nose at 9 AM.  Don't bother changing the shirt before you go out, because, who are you kidding, you know you’re just going to spill on it anyway.

3.  Greet the hostess with a smile that shows off that beads-of-sweat mustache.
Dude.  No feet where we eat.

4.  Request two children’s menus while pointing to your offspring, who both dressed themselves.  Small is sporting sweatpants that are on backwards so that the tie and the pockets are in the back, and Medium is representin’ with a black and white tie dye school logo shirt and green/navy/white plaid shorts.  (If he were wearing black socks and sandals he could easily retire to Florida.)

 5.  Once seated, wipe the hair that is matted to your forehead out of your eyes with your forearm so that you can peruse the menu. 

6.  When the waiter arrives, order two kids’ milks and a glass of wine.  When he asks which wine you would like, tell him, “whatever.  Just bring it.  It’s been one of those days.”

7.  Praise the waiter with the adulation normally reserved for 
Please don't make me eat another bite
of this delicious chocolatey goodness.
tween girls and their boy bands when he brings you a FULL glass o’ wine, otherwise known as a healthy pour.  Healthy, indeed.

8.  Allow the children to order chocolate chip pancakes for dinner and a giant chocolate muffin for dessert, because . . . f*ck it.  

9.  Enter the Men’s Room cautiously when Medium returns to the table to solicit help and report that “Small is laying on the floor naked and rolling around and stuff.”

 10.  At this point, the waiter will return to your table with the entire bottle of wine and pour it directly into your glass as if it were Diet Coke.  Yes, please.

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Be nice, kids.