Monday, October 28, 2013

Do Me a Solid.

Mommy is tired . . .

  • Of being the only one who cleans up the dog poop on the family room floor.  I know you see it.  Don't pretend you don’t.  With 3 kids, I've spent the last 10 years being the primary poop-cleaner-upper.  Help a sister out, man up, and pick up the poop!

  • Of being the only one who ever carries anything upstairs.  We’ve been through this before.  A pile at the bottom of the stairs is the international signal for take-your-sh*t-upstairs.

  • Of finding snack wrappers in the family room, in the couch, on the buffet, on the side table.  Walk your @ss to the trashcan.

  • Of Hubby treating the dining room chair as his own personal valet.

Passive aggressive?  Yes.  Gonna land me in jail?  No.
It was a conscious decision.

  • Of being the Bad Guy.  Small's new mantra?  "Mommy says no!  Daddy says yes!"  Um, this is Parenting 101 . . . Mommy says no, Daddy says NO.

  • Of being responsible.  I want to go to sleep at 8:30 and let someone else worry about whether or not the kids have brushed their teeth or if they’re in their rooms watching inappropriate you tube videos on the ipad when they should be sleeping.

  • Of having to take the cup out of the athletic supporter before I throw it in the washer.  Do me a solid . . . take it out yourself so I don’t have to.  It’s kinda . . . gross.

  • Of flushing the boys’ toilet every morning.  Seriously?  THIS is why your bathroom smells like a high school locker room.

  • Of finding those little Rainbow Loom rubber bands every-friggin-where.



  • Of repeating myself.  Repeating myself.  Repeating myself.  Life would be so much simpler if my boys would just (choose one.  Or more.  I don't care anymore.)
  1. Get up
  2. Get dressed
  3. Get their coats and shoes on
  4. Focus on their homework
  5. Get their uniforms on
  6. Brush their teeth
  7. Sit down at the table
  8. Stop talking about poop, flatulence, boogers or any other bodily functions.

That is all.  Happy Monday to you.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Hate Myself for Even Mentioning This . . .

You know how I’m always saying that we shouldn’t judge other people because we all have our sh*t and we’re all doing the best we can?

Fasten your seat belts, y’all.  I’m about to get all judgy up in here.

I realize that USA Today does not have the same prestige that CNN has, so I apologize for the complete irrelevance of this post.   I read a disturbing story last night on about Chris Brown and I must vent.  You will remember Chris Brown for
a     A.  his contributions to the world of music
b     B.     his philanthropic nature
c     C.     his wholesome boy-next-door image
d     D.  the fact that he beat the crap out of a girl

Apparently he’s some sort of rap “artist” who thinks he is a gift to his industry.  While I, as a suburban housewife, do not claim to be an expert on the genre, I believe with all sincerity that Jay-Z is a rap artist.  Snoop Dogg (or Lion or Hedgehog, or whatever he’s calling himself these days) is a rap artist.  Even Kanye is a rap artist, and it PAINS me to say that, because, (since I'm being judgy,) he's an idiot.  I cannot name one song by Chris Brown; the only reason I even recognize his name is because of the notoriety he gained by beating up his girlfriend and then shrugging it off as collateral damage from a passionate relationship. 

I really hate to even give him any room in my already swirly brain, but last night I read an article in which Chris Brown claims to have lost his virginity at 8 years old to a 14-year-old girl.  He claims he was sexual at an early age because he watched a lot of pornography and “it’s different” in the rural area of Virginia where he grew up.  Also, he’s so good at “it” because he’s been practicing since he was eight. 

Read the article here.

Here’s where I get all judgy:
  • Where were the adults in his life (be they parents, aunts, uncles, responsible community members) when he and his cousins were watching porn as children?
  • I grew up in the suburbs of Virginia and have traveled to many rural areas of the Commonwealth, and I can guarantee you that 8-year-olds having, um, relations is NOT the norm.
  • He declines in the interview to state how many women he has enjoyed.  Why is that, Chris?  Because a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell?
  • He’s a “walking art piece” and if it weren’t for the “incident” with Rihanna, he’d now be “bigger than life.”  Man, Life has certainly thrown him some curve balls, eh?

Am I the only one who feels that Chris Brown should be voted off the earth?  In the spirit of finding-the-good-in-all-of-us, I ask WHAT has he contributed to society?  He is an embarrassment to the male gender and his endless narcissism is ridiculous.  When I was eight, I was playing with Barbies, and when I was fourteen I looked like this:  

He was doing "that" at eight, with someone who was fourteen?  It's disturbing on so many levels - the perversion of it, the lack of supervision, the absence of remorse or regret, the warped psychology . . . 

Chris Brown needs to be knocked down a few pegs.  I don’t mean in a harmful way, but in a Scrooge-on-Christmas-Eve kinda way – where he could see himself as others see him and have a chance to experience a little humility.  Perhaps as he matures he’ll develop some integrity, but I’m not hopeful.  He needs to grow up.  He needs to learn what it takes to have character, how to act responsibly, especially when one has a platform such as his fame, and to treat others as they deserve to be treated.  

Meanwhile, in Suburbia, I hate myself a little bit for even writing about this.