Here are 10 ways I'm failing at this whole motherhood thing this week. This list is not to be confused with how I failed at it last week, or with how I will undoubtedly fail at it next week.
1. One of the neighbor kids walked in on me watching Naked and Afraid with my 11-year-old. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a pretty innocuous, Survivor-type show on the Discovery Channel, but the contestants happen to be naked. Neighbor-kid walked in just in time to see a naked person’s behiney on tv. I’m sure he went home and told his mom that Mrs. BoyMommy was watching porn. With her 11-year-old.
2. Small had chocolate milk for breakfast this morning. That’s it. Just chocolate milk.
3. Explained “getting laid” to Medium and Large because of something they saw on The Big Bang Theory. It would have been easier to explain the actual big bang theory.
4. Told Small, “we’re not reading books right now. We are watching TV.”
5. Started crying at Target today. And since Target is apparently the Grand Central Station of my social life, I got caught. Seriously, I can’t keep my sh*t together long enough to grab a gallon of milk.
6. Silently wished that the moms' email distribution list to which I belong would vacate all controversy and return to the usual menu of buying/selling each other’s used crap, advertising school spirit nights, and displaying pictures of neighborhood squirrels. (Also considered suggesting we lighten the mood a bit by perhaps discussing religion or politics instead.)
7. Bought two picture frames and told the check-out guy that, because I have three children, I’m going to have to pick my two favorites when deciding whose photos to display.
8. Suggested to another mom that, since her husband is helping me out with some daytime childcare while I have an appointment next week, she may want to perform some extra “favors” on my behalf.
9. Purposely left our to-go box on the restaurant table last night so that I wouldn’t have to throw it away myself in 3 days. For some reason I was worried I’d hurt the waiter’s feelings if I told him I didn’t want to save the nuggets for later.
10. Hid books behind the bookcase so that I won’t have to read the same stories again tonight. I’m afraid if I skip as many pages as I did last night that eventually Small is going to notice significant holes in the plot.