Wednesday, September 10, 2014

10 Ways I'm Failing at Motherhood. This Week.

Here are 10 ways I'm failing at this whole motherhood thing this week.  This list is not to be confused with how I failed at it last week, or with how I will undoubtedly fail at it next week.  

1.  One of the neighbor kids walked in on me watching Naked and Afraid with my 11-year-old.  If you’ve never seen it, it’s a pretty innocuous, Survivor-type show on the Discovery Channel, but the contestants happen to be naked.  Neighbor-kid walked in just in time to see a naked person’s behiney on tv.  I’m sure he went home and told his mom that Mrs. BoyMommy was watching porn.  With her 11-year-old.

2.  Small had chocolate milk for breakfast this morning.  That’s it.  Just chocolate milk.

3.  Explained “getting laid” to Medium and Large because of something they saw on The Big Bang Theory.  It would have been easier to explain the actual big bang theory.

4.  Told Small, “we’re not reading books right now.  We are watching TV.”

5.  Started crying at Target today.  And since Target is apparently the Grand Central Station of my social life, I got caught.  Seriously, I can’t keep my sh*t together long enough to grab a gallon of milk.

6.  Silently wished that the moms' email distribution list to which I belong would vacate all controversy and return to the usual menu of buying/selling each other’s used crap, advertising school spirit nights, and displaying pictures of neighborhood squirrels.  (Also considered suggesting we lighten the mood a bit by perhaps discussing religion or politics instead.)

7.  Bought two picture frames and told the check-out guy that, because I have three children, I’m going to have to pick my two favorites when deciding whose photos to display. 

8.  Suggested to another mom that, since her husband is helping me out with some daytime childcare while I have an appointment next week, she may want to perform some extra “favors” on my behalf.

9.  Purposely left our to-go box on the restaurant table last night so that I wouldn’t have to throw it away myself in 3 days.  For some reason I was worried I’d hurt the waiter’s feelings if I told him I didn’t want to save the nuggets for later. 

10.  Hid books behind the bookcase so that I won’t have to read the same stories again tonight.  I’m afraid if I skip as many pages as I did last night that eventually Small is going to notice significant holes in the plot. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

My 21st Birthday vs. my 41st Birthday: a Detailed Analysis. With Photos

So yesterday was my birthday.  I’m 41-derful.  Kind of a letdown after all the festivities of my 40th birthday. 

For instance, I have 527 “friends” on Facebook, and yet I received ONLY 113 birthday wishes yesterday.  The other 414 of you are dead to me.  

I’ve always loved my birthday, as anyone who knows me will attest.  I do my friends the courtesy of reminding them how many shopping days are left so that they can have the joy of watching me open a plethora of gifts celebrating the anniversary of the date of my birth.  What’s not to love about THAT?  I don’t get people who don’t love their birthdays – it’s an entire day that is devoted to the celebration of YOU.  If you don’t want to celebrate your birthday, can I have it?

I must admit, however, that celebrating at 41 is a little more, um, reserved than celebrating the milestone of turning 21. 

                                                      My thought process at 21:
Better get up early . . . like 11 . . . to make sure I can help pick up the keg at the Kroger.  I can do that now.  Get a keg full of Milwaukee’s Best.  Because I am 21.  I know that real grown-ups get kegs all the time because they're so much more practical than buying bottles or cans.  We are having a party at the apartment I share with 3 other girls, even though our fridge is stocked only with condiments and a tub of yogurt, and we’ve decorated with $5 unframed posters we bought at the campus bookstore.  

I’m so stoked because my brothers are coming!  I am THE coolest big sister ever.  I am going to take a photo of myself and my brother standing next to a keg of beer.  But make sure Mom doesn’t see it!  I don't want to get in trouble.

This is what telephones used to look like, kids!  I have no idea who I’m talking to, because I’m pretty sure everyone I knew was in the same room with me.  In fact, I can't even be 100% sure there was anyone else on the other end.  [I'm a few drinks in at this point, to state the obvious.]  I’m so glad I don’t have to get up for class tomorrow, but even so, I bet my hangover will be gone by around noon. 

I'm not athletic, but I bet if the Olympics had a beer pong team, I could totally be on it.  Plus I have a good teammate.  I'm gonna marry him in a few years.  

                                          My thought process at 41:
Gotta make sure I’m back from dropping the boys off at the bus stop in time to meet the Glass guy who is going to repair our window to the tune of $400.  After 3 loads of laundry, a storybook about farm animals, and an “educational” children’s television program starring weird little talking mermaid gubbie thingies, I need to remind Small that we don’t “hulk smash” things that don’t belong to us.  

Kick myself at 3:00 when I’m sitting at the bus stop waiting for Medium so we can go get his allergy shots, because, while I would have had plenty of time to make it to the doctor’s office on time if our appointment were at 3:30, I just now realize our appointment was at 3.  Oops.  Leave the doctor’s office and come home to help Large with his homework and order a nutritious pizza for their dinner.  

Spend a total of 10 minutes celebrating with my family, which includes a tiny ice cream cake that is still in the freezer next to the frozen waffles, the chicken tenders, and the Jimmie Dean sausage biscuits, a funny card from Hubby, and 3 oh-yeah-I-forgot-it’s-mom’s-birthdays from the boys.  Listen to a painful rendition of the Happy Birthday song complete with baritone accompaniment, which Large does NOT know how to play because he just brought it home today.  Wait for Hubby to return from picking up babysitter so that I can leave for preschool orientation.  

Have lovely cheesy & carbalicious mexican dinner, complete with what I hope was NOT a lice-infested sombrero and one (large) margarita.   Don't have second margartia because a) I have to drive home and b) liquor sometimes causes me to be drunk and/or to lose the contents of my stomach.  I paid good money for that mexican dinner.  Don't wanna waste it.  Hang with preschool moms as we converse about the origins of baby names and the appropriate age to start the kids in team sports.  Stop by bank so I can pay sitter.  Home by 9:15, because, well, it’s a school night.  Take 3 ibuprofin to ward off a morning headache and mentally begin preparing my to-do list for tomorrow. 

I promise I'll do a better job next year of reminding my friends how many shopping days are left, but perhaps you should just enter it in your calendar now.