Monday, July 15, 2013

Dear Kids, Here's How the Rest of Summer is Gonna Go Down. . .

Dear Offspring,

            Hey there!  It’s Mommy.  Listen, we still have about seven weeks left of summer “vacation” so I thought I’d give you a few tips on how we can avoid Mommy’s Annoyed I-Have-a-Headache-Why-Don’t-You-Listen-You-Kids-Are-Driving-Me-Crazy Face.  You know the one.

1.  When my face gets red and I start getting persweaty and using language that is, um, less than ladylike, it’s time for you to go to your room.  You don’t need a reason.  Just go.

2.  Please don’t wear your dirty, dusty baseball cleats into the living room and then sigh loudly and turn the tv volume up to 57 because you can’t hear over the sound of the dust buster.

3.  You’re bored?  Do I look like Julie, your Cruise Director?

4.  At this point I don’t care if he hit you, where he hit you, why he hit you, or how hard he hit you.  If you’re not bleeding, I don’t want to hear about it.  Work it out.

5.  Yes, I know I let you eat Goldfish for breakfast the other day, but when the Pediatrician asks you if you eat your veggies, just nod and say “yes.”

6.  Don’t ask me to take you to play tennis at 2:00 pm on the hottest day of the year to date.  The answer is a big fat negatory.

7.  Please don’t tell the neighbor mommy that I said you weren’t allowed to play outside because it’s too hot and that you need to play inside her house. 

8.  Want to know why you’re crying in the middle of the afternoon?  You’re overly tired.  Go to bed when I tell you, already.  You think I don’t know you’re playing your DS until all hours of the morning?

9.  When the refrigerator is stocked with milk, cheese, yogurt, and fresh fruit, being out of potato chips does not constitute having “nothing to eat in this house!”

10.  Don’t act like I just asked you to donate a body part when I request that you unload the dishwasher.  Perhaps if you didn’t use a different cup for every sip of water you take we wouldn’t have to run the dishwasher as often.

If you take each of the above under advisement, we will have a much more peaceful rest-of-the-summer.  It’s all about self-preservation.  Your choice.

Love you!

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Be nice, kids.