Thursday, May 29, 2014

Things I'd Rather Do Than Take All 3 Kids Grocery Shopping

Small finished up preschool last week, which means the summer is fast approaching and the boys will be with me all the time.  

All.  The.  Time.   

I will no longer have that brief block of time in which to run tedious errands by myself.  You know what makes them even tediouser?  Taking everyone with me.  Even yesterday, I had to purchase TWO separate kinds of vitamins.  You mommies out there know immediately that the reason I had to buy two was because I had two children with me . . . hence two types of vitamins.  This phenomenon also explains why my grocery bill triples over the summer.

Things I’d rather do than take all 3 of my children to the grocery store:

1.  Shop for jeans, bras, and/or bathing suits.  Try on said items in a poorly lit, closet-sized room with a three-way mirror so that I can look at my own flat @ss and watch myself do the bent over boob shimmy maneuver.

2.  Get a bikini wax.  After a looooong winter.

I'm gonna need you to slide
all the way down to the end . . . 
3.  Visit the gynecologist.

4.  Watch a Barbie movie marathon, complete with catchy tunes and multiple costume changes.

5.  Discuss politics and religion with Ann Coulter.

6.  Listen to 9th graders do a cold reading from the Complete Works of William Shakespeare.

7.  Clean out somebody else’s ear wax.

8.  Pull the hair from the shower drain.

9.  Ride the subway to Yankee Stadium on a sweltering hot summer day.  In a subway car with faulty air-conditioning.  And positioned under the armpit of a muscle-shirt-clad Yankees fan.  Don’t ask me how I know the specifics . . .

10.  Walk barefoot through the schmat on a fraternity house party room floor.