I’ve been “Team Jen” since Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. I didn’t believe it for a second when Angelina claimed she would never steal someone else’s husband. Um, you’re an actress . . . you’ll say anything and make it seem believable.
When I was recently catching up with the important news topics via the scion of journalistic integrity known as Us Weekly, I read the article entitled “Getting Married!” by Rachel Paula Abrahamson, about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. If it's written in Us Weekly, surely it must be true.
I give you my thoughts regarding said article:
1. It annoys me to no end that Brad and Angelina are finally “giving in” and planning to get married. It seems they’ll have a low-key ceremony because they think “a big splashy wedding is tacky.” You know what? SOME of us are only planning on having ONE wedding in our lifetime . . . so, yes, I wanted a little splash. Furthermore, I'm a little surprised that someone who once wore a vial of Billy Bob’s blood as a piece of jewelry and announced to a news crew that they’d just finished having “relations” in the back of a limousine is now giving lessons in tact.
2. According to the article, “Marrying at home will show the kids their mom and dad are committed to each other for the long term.” You know what else would have shown them that? Getting married first and procreating later. I’m guessing their respective former spouses at one point thought they’d be together “for the long term” as well. I realize marriage is not for everyone, and I know there are plenty of committed, unmarried, couples who are raising their families. But one thing my mom always told me was to wait a little while before we started our family so that we could learn how to be married first. Based on their collective track records, I’m not convinced this is a skill they have mastered.
3. States Jolie, “when Brad and I decided to have a large family, we decided we’d only do it if we could . . . take the kids with us.” That's sweet. It’s sort of like trying to decide whether to pack a light jacket for an extended trip.
4. The article goes on to note that “Jolie planned their family outings herself . . . “ Big f*cking deal. It’s called being a mother and the rest of us do it every day. The same paragraph notes that she made sure the children were all wearing sun screen. Well, that certainly IS newsworthy.
5. Brad is busy remodeling Chateau Miraval in France, including an infinity pool, a helicopter pad, and a recording studio, and it is “Pitt’s baby. Angie was happy to let him get on with it.” Yeah, I let my husband watch Sports Center on the big TV when I feel like being nice.
6. But this was my favorite part of the article: they prioritize date nights alone. I wonder: do they squeeze in their alone time in between baseball practice, swimming lessons, visits to the dentist, library story time, and pediatrician appointments? What happens if they get a phone call in the middle of their romantic dinner because someone has an earache? Do they take leisurely, romantic strolls hand-in-hand because the mini-van is out of gas? We prioritize date night too, but mostly it ends up with us watching Deadliest Catch and having a beer on the couch in our family room. Cheers, baby.
My bullsh*t meter is going haywire. Stars! They’re Just Like Us! Nope, they’re not. I don’t have A nanny, let alone several. In my opinion, (not that anyone asked, but that rarely stops me from providing it, free of charge,) I don’t think they are providing the stability for their family that they would have the public believe, and I don’t immediately think they’re great parents because their kids say thank you. (Which is also, apparently, breaking news.)
For the record, I bought the magazine because I wanted to read about William and Catherine’s royal visit. Them, I adore.