Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm On to You, Brangelina!

I’ve been “Team Jen” since Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie.  I didn’t believe it for a second when Angelina claimed she would never steal someone else’s husband.  Um, you’re an actress . . . you’ll say anything and make it seem believable. 

When I was recently catching up with the important news topics via the scion of journalistic integrity known as Us Weekly, I read the article entitled “Getting Married!” by Rachel Paula Abrahamson, about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  If it's written in Us Weekly, surely it must be true.

I give you my thoughts regarding said article:
1.  It annoys me to no end that Brad and Angelina are finally “giving in” and planning to get married.  It seems they’ll have a low-key ceremony because they think “a big splashy wedding is tacky.”  You know what?  SOME of us are only planning on having ONE wedding in our lifetime . . . so, yes, I wanted a little splash.  Furthermore, I'm a little surprised that someone who once wore a vial of Billy Bob’s blood as a piece of jewelry and announced to a news crew that they’d just finished having “relations” in the back of a limousine is now giving lessons in tact.

2.  According to the article, “Marrying at home will show the kids their mom and dad are committed to each other for the long term.”  You know what else would have shown them that?  Getting married first and procreating later.  I’m guessing their respective former spouses at one point thought they’d be together “for the long term” as well.  I realize marriage is not for everyone, and I know there are plenty of committed, unmarried, couples who are raising their families.  But one thing my mom always told me was to wait a little while before we started our family so that we could learn how to be married first.  Based on their collective track records, I’m not convinced this is a skill they have mastered.

3.  States Jolie, “when Brad and I decided to have a large family, we decided we’d only do it if we could . . .  take the kids with us.”  That's sweet.  It’s sort of like trying to decide whether to pack a light jacket for an extended trip.

4.  The article goes on to note that “Jolie planned their family outings herself . . . “  Big f*cking deal.  It’s called being a mother and the rest of us do it every day.  The same paragraph notes that she made sure the children were all wearing sun screen.  Well, that certainly IS newsworthy.

5.  Brad is busy remodeling Chateau Miraval in France, including an infinity pool, a helicopter pad, and a recording studio, and it is “Pitt’s baby.  Angie was happy to let him get on with it.”  Yeah, I let my husband watch Sports Center on the big TV when I feel like being nice.

6.  But this was my favorite part of the article: they prioritize date nights alone.  I wonder: do they squeeze in their alone time in between baseball practice, swimming lessons, visits to the dentist, library story time, and pediatrician appointments?  What happens if they get a phone call in the middle of their romantic dinner because someone has an earache?  Do they take leisurely, romantic strolls hand-in-hand because the mini-van is out of gas?  We prioritize date night too, but mostly it ends up with us watching Deadliest Catch and having a beer on the couch in our family room.  Cheers, baby.

My bullsh*t meter is going haywire.  Stars!  They’re Just Like Us!  Nope, they’re not.  I don’t have A nanny, let alone several.  In my opinion, (not that anyone asked, but that rarely stops me from providing it, free of charge,) I don’t think they are providing the stability for their family that they would have the public believe, and I don’t immediately think they’re great parents because their kids say thank you.  (Which is also, apparently, breaking news.)  

For the record, I bought the magazine because I wanted to read about William and Catherine’s royal visit.  Them, I adore. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Why I Dislike Fish: a Commentary

In an attempt to preserve my sanity, I registered the boys for a couple half-day summer camps.  This week they are at the same location, but unfortunately, the drop-off and pick-up times are different.   I drive 20 minutes from home to drop Large off at 8:00, then I have an hour to kill before I drop Medium off at 9:00.  I drive 20 minutes back home so I can get Small down for a morning nap, then I drive 20 minutes back so I can pick Large up at 12:30, kill an hour and a half and pick Medium up at 2:00.

Excellent plan.

Today is Wednesday.  I’ve already been to Target twice this week, Starbucks three times, McDonald’s once, and Corner Bakery once. 

Yesterday, while Medium, Small, and I were enjoying a leisurely hot beverage at Starbucks,  Medium noticed some birds pecking at the previous diner’s crumbs.

Medium:  “Why do you hate birds so much?”

Mommy:  “They’re like flying rats,” as my friend Lisa would say.  (Lisa’s been BEGGING for a shout-out in the blog, and I’m sure she’ll be psyched to get it via a commentary on flying rats.) 
“They’re dirty and they eat other people’s leftovers.”

Empty fish tank, just like I like it.
(Although the handwritten note that says
"I love Buddy, love Medium" does tug
at the heart strings . . . 
Medium:  “Then how come you don’t like fish?”

Mommy:  “They swim in their own poop.”

Medium:  “They don’t swim in poop!  They swim in water!”

Mommy:  “They poop in the water, and then they swim in it.  They eat out of the same water.  They eat and poop in the same water.  It’s disgusting.” 

At this, the quiet gentleman working on his computer at the table next to us, (or perhaps looking at porn; I don’t really know  . . . ) chuckled. 

Mommy, to Chuckling Gentleman: “I’m right, right?  They swim, eat, and poop in the same water.”

Chuckling Gentleman: “That ain’t right.”

Mommy:  “Medium here got a fish for his birthday.  The fish is dead already because I told my husband that I REFUSE to take care of a fish.  If that means the fish dies, then the kids have just learned a valuable lesson in the Circle of Life.”

Chuckling Gentleman, to Medium: “It’s all right, little buddy.  You’ll get another fish someday.”

Not if I have anything to say about it  . . . .

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Bikini Wax: A Cautionary Tale

(Dad, if you’re reading, please, I beg of you, turn back now . . .)

Warning - TMI to follow.
Seriously.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Two years ago, my girlfriend A and I decided to get bikini waxes while we were at the beach.  Neither of us had ever had one before, so we scheduled them at a quaint little spa in town.  We took Tylenol beforehand and offered each other words of support.  It really wasn’t that bad.  The aesthetician was respectful of my modesty, the environment was candle-lit and soothing, and while it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t tortuous either. It was somewhere between being licked by kittens and childbirth on the pain-o-meter.

Fast forward two years.

I have a toddler at home whom I am constantly removing from the top of the kitchen table.  He is into EVERYthing.  There is not a drawer or cabinet that he has not opened and emptied repeatedly or a piece of furniture on which he has not climbed.  I love watching him discovering his world, but it. is. exhausting.  That being said, I barely have time to shave my legs, and people actually see those.  So suffice it to say it has been a while since I’ve done any "maintenance" in my nether-regions. 

After my pedicure the other night, Lee the Nail Technician asked if I wanted a bikini wax too.  I’m here, I thought; I might as well get it overwith.

A word of advice, if I may: a bikini wax is not something one does on the fly.  It is not a spontaneous, what-the-hell, activity.

We entered Satan's Hair Salon, I laid on the paper, and hiked up my skirt.  (So convenient!) 

“Honey, you want strip or whole thing?”

“Oh, just a strip is fine.”  (This will be important later, because I'm pretty sure I said it out loud, and yet Lee the Nail Tehnician completely disregarded my response.)  I’m starting to blush and get all persweaty because, well, you know how I am.  I am waiting for her to give me those little paper & string panties they give you to preserve your modesty.  I know they don’t cover anything, and SHE knows they don’t cover anything, but still . . .

No paper panties. 

“Honey, take off.  I do this all time.  Peopo come from far way for me to wax.” 

Oh, god.

Okay, I’m naked from the waist down; skirt hiked up and underbritches dangling precariously from one ankle.  It was all kindsa classy.

She tells me to spread ‘em.

Ahem.  She’s talking the entire time, but I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that Lee the Nail Technician’s hands are all over my hooha.

And it hurts like a m*ther-f*cker. 

She tells me a story about a woman whose husband called to thank her for giving his wife a bikini wax.  She tells me a story about a woman whose husband promised to buy her a 5 carat diamond ring if she’d get a bikini wax.  She tells me a story about a woman who drives from Maryland to have Lee the Nail Technician do her bikini wax.

Let me tell you: I have had yearly gynecological exams that have been less invasive than my bikini wax.  And I’m pretty sure Lee the Nail Technician and I might be in a romantic relationship now.  I kept thinking I should have made her at least buy me dinner first, and I had an urge for a post-coital cigarette, and I don’t even smoke. 

And as an added bonus, she was precariously close to my poop-chute.  NO ONE touches the poop-chute.  

Finally, after some watery eyes, some very unladylike language, and a lot of persweating, she was finished.

“Go ‘head, honey.  You look in mirror.”

“Um, no thanks.  I’m just gonna go now.” 

“You go home, you husband say ‘ooh la la!’”

I giggled nervously, gave her a big tip and bolted to the car so that I could call my girlfriend, A.
“Remember when we got those bikini waxes at the beach, and it really wasn’t that bad?” I asked.

. . . looks familiar.
“Yes,” A answered hesitantly.

I whispered, (even though I was completely alone,) “I’m afraid to look, but I’m pretty sure I’m bald.  She spent way too much time down there for me to be anything other than naked as the day I was born.”

Next I texted my girlfriend, Judy.  Judy had a shaving “mishap” a few months ago, the result of which was that she, in her words, "looked like a fat 11-year-old.”  I texted: “Just got ‘the Judy’ bikini wax.  O. M. G.  I think I may have just had my yearly gynecological exam.”

I rushed home and told Hubby about my night, thinking he’d be all excited and “ooh la la,” and that I was going to have to rebuff his many advances on account of the soreness and all.  

His response?  “That’s disgusting.  Why don’t you go take a shower?”

I feel so violated.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

What it Takes to Get My Nails Did.

Last night, I escaped for a few hours so I could treat myself to a pedicure.  The nail salon closes at 8, so I was sure to get there by 7.  The place was hoppin’ when I walked in.  I said I needed a pedicure, to which the technician responded, “okay honey, pick color,” as usual.  I chose my color, sat in the pedicure chair, and settled in with a trashy magazine to wait my turn.  

I waited.  And waited. 

Finally I asked one of the technicians how much longer it would be. 

“You can go, honey.  You nails dry.” 

“Um, I haven’t had my pedicure yet.” 

“Oh, honey, I so sorry!  I see you, I think you finish!” 
No worries.  She sat down immediately and started working.

"I so sorry!  I wash towels.  I clean.  I see you here, I think you finish."

"It's okay . . . these things happen."   After all, I got to sit for 40 minutes in peace without anyone crawling all over me, wiping boogers on me, or making me watch television programs featuring child stars who will be in Celebrity Rehab in 5 years.

“Honey, you need eyebrow done?”

I look up from my book and reply, “no thanks; not tonight.”

She smiles and continues working on my toes, but it’s not long before she says, “you sure you no want eyebrow done?”

“I’m sure – maybe next time.”

Same thing.  She works on my toes for a few minutes and then starts with the hard sell.
“Honey, you eyelash so long and pretty.”

“Thanks.”  Keep the compliments coming, Lee the Nail Technician, you’re almost there. . .

“You get eyebrow done, it really make eye pop.  Peopo see long eyelash.”
I hesitated, and she went in for the kill:

“Honey, they crooked.  They not even.  Let me fix eyebrow.”

I didn’t think they looked that bad, but now I’m all self-conscious and thinking I look like Gregory Peck: the later years.

She finished up my pedicure, (and my toes look fabulous,) and we headed to what shall now be referred to as Satan’s Hair Salon.  Once inside, she combed my eyebrow hairs straight up and had me look in the mirror.  What the? . . . how did Gregory Peck . . . oh.  

Yes, let’s proceed.  By all means.

She did a beautiful job on the eyebrows and now I look like a girl.  So I’ve got that going for me.  Which is nice.

And then, the loaded question:

“Honey, you want me wax bikini?”

To Be Continued . . .   

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Favorite Quotes of the Summer, Part II

Favorite Quotes of the Summer, part II

1.  Background info: I have an irrational fear of the dentist.  I scheduled my check-up for 8 am, which was the first appointment of the morning.  Hubby knows how much I hate the dentist, and yet he still found it necessary to point out just how important his job is . . . because the universe may implode if he doesn’t get to add numbers . . . and asked me not to dilly-dally.  My sarcastic response was as follows:
“Wait . . . DON’T dilly-dally???  Because I was going to read all their magazines and water their plants before I came home.”

2.  After watching movie previews at the theatre:
Medium: “Mom?  Why does Michael Jackson LOOKS like a girl and SOUNDS like a girl, but really he’s a boy?”
Excellent question, son.

3.  After a visit to the pediatrician:
Large: “No fair!  He gets a wart AND a mole, and I get nothing???”

4.  After a trip to Kings Dominion: 
"I simply MUST get
the name of your dentist!"
Mommy:  “Whew!  I can’t WAIT to put on some underwear!”
Medium:  “Why?”
Mommy: “I’ve been going commando.”
Medium: “Why do you like underwear so much?  I always go commando.”

5.  Discussing K’s preschool son’s recent trip to the dentist:
K:  “Did you know they don’t do silver crowns anymore?”
Mommy:  “What do you want him to have, gold?  A diamond grill like Lil Wayne?”

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Favorite Quotes of the Summer . . . so far.

Favorite Quotes of Summer "Vacation"

1.  Necessary background info:  Small is . . . well . . . small.  He is only in the 1 percentile for weight; in fact, he isn’t even on the curve on the doctor’s growth chart.  He eats well and he is not malnourished, but of all three of our boys, he is the one who likes fruit and veggies.  Plus he is a busy little guy – he’s got the metabolism of a meth addict.  After our last weight check at the pediatrician’s office:
“Is Small gonna grow up to be a midget?”
Besides, I think they prefer to be called Little People.

2.  Medium hands me a tissue.  “Here.  I put the booger on the inside.”

3.  Randomly . . . “When you die, I’ll think of you.”
Um, thanks?

4.  SOMEone decided a giant plastic baseball bat full of gumballs would be a good birthday gift for Large.  It is not. 
“Mom, I have gum in my hair.  I have learned. my. lesson.”
Shane gets his math skillz from Mommy.

5.  Necessary background info:  Shane is a stuffed wolf Medium got at Great Wolf Lodge last fall.  He goes with us everywhere.  He’s like a member of the family, and I’ve had to superglue his nose back on three times.  You know I’m not supposed to play with the superglue after the Great Superhero Convalescent Home Incident of 2007. 

Medium: “Did you know Shane knows how to talk?  Watch.  Shane, what’s 2+2?”
Shane: “um, 5?”
Large: “It’s 4.”
Medium: “I said he knows how to talk; he doesn’t know math.”

6.  Necessary background info: I generally don’t wear tank tops as they accentuate my bat wings.  On one particularly persweaty day, however, I wore a tank top.  The fashion police, cleverly disguised as my 6-year-old, had comments:
“your armpits are getting furry.”

7.  Necessary background info: My in-laws have a pet turtle.  And by "pet," I mean they found him in the middle of the road and decided they needed to bring him INTO their home.  Now my FIL cooks the turtle hot dogs and lovingly cuts them up into little pieces, because lord knows we don’t want to have to take a choking turtle to the vet.  So when Hubby went to the fridge to get a snack, my MIL reminded him,
“Don’t eat the turtle’s watermelon.  It’s not as fresh.”
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said THAT . . .
Yes, folks, the turtle also gets temperature-controlled watermelon chunks. 

8.  Trying to catch up with his cousins, who took off on their bikes . . . "I'll never catch up to them!  What if I come back with raccoons and sloths all over me?!"
Wha?  What the h*ll have you been watching?

It’s only the beginning of July . . . I’ll keep track of my family’s utterances so I have something to blog about again later!