BoyMommy's Guide to Fashion

I am by NO means a fashionista.  I wear solid-colored t-shirts and jeans EVERY day, so I realize I am the last person who should be commenting on fashion trends.

But that doesn’t stop me from doing it!

Trends I Don’t Get

(from the woman who currently owns 3 pairs of Crocs and 2 pairs of Birkenstocks.)

1.  Tank tops and scarves:  this is a visual contradiction.  If it’s warm enough to wear a tank top, it’s too hot to wear a scarf.  If it’s cool enough to wear a scarf, it’s too cold for a tank top.  Do you think Santa walks around in a tank top?  Let's hope not.

2.  High-waisted jeans:  poor, poor Jessica Simpson.  She’s a cute girl, but she makes some questionable fashion choices.  (Hire me as your stylist, Jess . . . I'll putcha in a nice cardigan.)  I avoid high-waisted jeans because they accentuate my “problem area.”  (Well, one of them anyway.)  I might as well wear a neon sign that says “I love donuts.” 

3.  Visible bra straps:  Perhaps if I wore cute little bras with decorative lace and adorable patterns I would feel differently, but alas, my undergarments can only be described by the words industrial-strength.  They are functional, and any straps that may be coyly peeking out from underneath a tank top are roughly the width of a grown man’s belt. 

4.  The side pony:  I will admit that a side ponytail looks cute on some women, but I’m afraid it would keep hitting my shoulder, causing me to think that someone is trying to catch my attention, and I would end up spinning around in a circle and looking like a dog trying to catch its tail.

5.  Spray tans:  If it’s subtle, it’s fine.  When you look like an Oompa-Loompa who counted Mississippilessly in the tanning booth and your teeth look fluorescent-white next to your skin, you’ve gone too far.  

6.  Open-toed boots:  Isn’t the point of boots to keep your feet warm?  Fall and winter preclude open-toed foot-wear, and, given how I feel about feet, I honestly need a break after the flip flops of summer.

7.  White sunglasses:  these remind me of every awkward moment I endured in middle school, and they make me want to blast Sussudio on my boom box.  Not a good time in my life.

8.  Pointy fingernails: I’m pretty sure I’d stab my children with pointy fingernails, given my propensity for clumsiness and my general lack of self-awareness.

9.  Pajama bottoms as pants:  Wearing your pajama bottoms to the Emergency Room because you were in such a hurry?  Yes.  Wearing your pajama bottoms and fuzzy slippers to Walmart?   No.  I will make an exception for college towns, but only if it’s after midnight and the only other clientele in the Walmart consists of Waffle House waitresses just coming off their shift and long-haul truckers.

10.  Men wearing flip-flops with dress pants:  Just . . . no.

If you need me, I'll be here waiting patiently by the phone for Anna Wintour to call regarding my imminent job offer from Vogue.