Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dear Ungrateful Family . . .

Dear (Hypothetical, of course) Family,

Remember last week when Mommy got fussed at because the baseball uniforms were still in the washer and Daddy and Large had to wear wet uniforms to their game?  And Daddy muttered under-his-breath-except-really-loudly that Mommy had “dropped the ball” because he’s so PUNNY and he doesn’t even know it?  ‘Member?

Golly, that was fun.

Mommy felt so GOOD about herself and her contributions to her family on that day.

I thought that PERHAPS the BoyMommy Family could use a little refresher course in working together to keep things running instead of relying on Mommy 100% of time, and MAYBE a reminder of all the behind-the-scenes stuff that moms do but for which they never get credit. 

Because nobody notices the kick-@ss job you’re doing until you don’t do it. 

Let me let you in on a lil’ secret:  there’s no little fairy flitting and flying around the house performing all the mundane tasks that you take for granted.  It’s me.  Mommy.  The Boss.  The CEO, the Mack-Mommy, the Dalai Mama . . . ME.

For instance:
  1. When is the last time you thought to yourself, “hmmm . . . it seems that-there lightbulb musta blown out.”  That’s right – you don’t have to, because Mommy takes care of it.  Furthermore, do you even know where the spare bulbs are stored or where one goes to purchase such household items?
  2. “Oh, I need to mail this bill, but alas, I have no stamps,” said NO ONE in the BoyMommy family.  By the way, hey Daddy, where’s the post office?
  3. Run out of ink in the computer printer?  Not.
  4. This one’s tricky because I have a theory that I am the only person who actually uses toilet paper and/or paper towels, but please notice next time you wipe your behiney or a countertop (preferably not with the same paper-product) that we never seem to run out.
  5. That’s funny . . . yesterday I only had a dab of toothpaste/soap/shampoo left and now there’s an entire container.  Huh.
  6. Remember how Daddy told you your fish would die if you didn’t feed it or change the water, and Mommy warned you that she would NOT be taking care of floaty animals?  Yeah, that one’s kinda on me. You see, I meant what I said. Sorry about your fish.  My bad.
  7. Yesterday the lunch lady said I only had $.70 left on my account, but today I have $50.  Ice creams for everybody!
  8. Forgot that today was picture day, but still seemed to show up to school with slicked hair, a collared shirt, a face devoid of milk mustaches and wayward boogies, AND with a check made out to LifeTouch Studios?  How DOES she do it?
  9. Yesterday you were worried you wouldn’t have milk for your cereal or bread for your sandwich, but voila! . . .  [private note to across-the-street-neighbor: this goes for you too, you 8:00-on-Saturday-morning-coffee-pod-moocher.  What would you do without me?]
  10. Only one more scoop of dog food left in the bin?  Mommy's on it!  ( . . . because I just luuuuurve that smell at the pet store, and, let's face it, the dog seems to appreciate me.)

These things don’t magically happen, folks, so next time your uniform is a little, um, damp or you have to wear your undershirt inside out because it's day two, quityerbitchin’ and cut me some slack, will ya?

Love you!


  1. Perhaps next time a Mommy-strike might be in order?

  2. Okay I love you. This is so spot on. It's so interesting how no one ever questions how things get magically refilled or refreshed, but boy do I hear it when we're out of something. Men don't care to do it, but they sure like when its done.


Be nice, kids.