Tuesday, June 12, 2012

"You'll Shoot Yer Eye Out!"

I’m back, peeps.

Sorry it’s been so long, but the proverbial sh*t has hit the fan. 

First, and the main reason I haven’t written lately, is that our computer broke.  There is about a 2 inch space on the screen that is completely blank, which means to use it you have to minimize your page, move it to the left side of the screen, and squint like hell.  When I took it in to the Apple Store, the guy looked at me with this what-the-h*ll-happened-here look.  "I have three boys," I said as a means of explanation.  Apparently he didn't need me to elaborate beyond that.

Second, our air conditioning unit clogged and we had water damage in our basement.  (This place is a Money Pit, except my husband isn’t nearly as funny as Tom Hanks when it comes to home repair, homeowner’s insurance, and paying contractors.)  The boys were downstairs playing one day, but then came up to tell me the carpet was “squishy.”  That’s never a good sign. 

And third, Baby Smalls is preparing for eye surgery.  Our health insurance is stellar - our per-person deductible could easily purchase a reliable used car. 


We first noticed his eyes were wonky when he was about 18-months-old.  I asked Hubby about it, but he convinced me I was seeing things and that Small was just fine.  It got progressively worse, however.  I made an appointment with my eye doctor, but never considered that he wouldn’t be able to take the vision test.  If you don’t know your letters, it really doesn’t matter how big that giant E is on the top of the chart. 

"7!    P!    Bird!"

So I made an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist, but since she’s a specialist and apparently the shiznit in her field, it took a good 3 months to get in to see her.  I figured he had a lazy eye, we’d patch the other eye in order to strengthen the wonky one, and that would be it.

Turns out it’s a little more serious than that.  My heart about jumped out of my body when she announced that he has “little to no vision” in his right eye. 

Is that why he always turns around in circles like he’s chasing his tail and only makes left turns when he’s on his tricycle? 

Surgery is scheduled for early August, and in the meantime, he’s supposed to be wearing his eye patch over his good eye for as long as he’s awake.  Ever try to get a toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do?  It’s like midget wrestling.  I keep finding eye patches everywhere . . . stuck to the driveway, in the dryer, tucked into his car seat.  He’s stealthy, that one. 

And then there’s the question I get at least once a day:  What happened to his eye?

I could, and often do, give a brief summary of the real reason he’s wearing the patch, OR . . .

1.     Well, you know what they say . . . “it’s all fun and games until  . . . “
2.     We got him a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. 
3.     He was looking at porn too long and his eyes got stuck that way.
5.     He’s a Cyclops.

I can't help it.  Part of me just wants to see what sort of reaction I'll get if I use one of those excuses.  Stay tuned . . . 

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Be nice, kids.