Thursday, December 29, 2011

Facebook Archetypes, part II

I’ve discovered some new Facebook Archetypes to add to my previous post, called Facebook, I Wish I Could Quit You.  I find them to be equally as annoying as the first 10.

1.  What is commonly known as the Vaguebooker.  She posts things like “Why does it have to be so hard?!”  This, of course, prompts replies like, “what’s wrong?” and “call me!” and “hang in there!”  and it leaves me perplexed because I am nosy curious and I want to know what the heck is going on?  It's the Facebook equivalent of the following conversation:
Person A:  "What's wrong?"
Person B:  Sigh.  "Nothing."  (please keep asking me because I need you to know how needy I am.)
The End.

2.  The Self-Portrait Taker.  Now you know I LOVES a good self-portrait, but seriously?  You’ve got 326 “friends.”  You can’t find ONE to take a photo of you?  And since when did the bathroom become a photography studio? 
This IS my sexy face . . . 

3.  The Bra Bragger.  This status update is posted ostensibly to make a point about whatever the cause du jour is, although how posting your bra color is going to cure cancer is questionable.  In reality, this is a means for women to give the illusion that they are still young, vibrant, and sexy.  Because who, (besides me of course,) is REALLY going to post that their bra color is used to be white but is now grey from years of wash?

4.  The Hacker.  He gets into his girlfriend’s account and starts gushing about how in luuuuuve they are.  “My boyfriend is the BEST thing that’s ever happened to me!!!!”  For future reference, if you ever see elaborate PDA posted on my account, you can be pretty sure I didn’t post it.  I love my husband, so I tell HIM.   

5.  The Over-Friender.  This is your cousin’s neighbor’s hair-dresser’s little sister.  You bumped into her at the 7-11 ONCE and now she thinks you’re BFFs and need to be “friends.”  She has 1000+ friends.  Oh mah gah, she is SO popular!

Friend Request, Friend Request, Friend Request . . . 
6.  The Former Teacher.  I will admit I am “friends” with some former students with whom I worked closely when I was employed.  These are girls I coached and worked with for several years.  But it creeps me out when I see former teachers make remarks like “you’re just as beautiful as you were 20 years ago” and “hang in there, you’ll find someone!”  Ooops, I’m sorry!  You must have stumbled across Facebook when you were searching for the Sex Offender Registry.

7.  The Repeat Friend Requester.  Remember the last two times when I didn’t accept your friend request?  It’s not happenin’ this time either.  I have my reasons.  Accept it and be on your way.

8.  The Photo Tagger.  I don’t mind being tagged in a photo in which I look smokin’ and lord knows I love to have my picture taken.  But if I’m stuffing pie in my mouth, (hypothetically, of course,) and you just happened to click at that moment, PLEASE don’t tag me in that photo.  Or else the next time you’re picking your nose, I’ll be watching.  With my camera. 

9.  The TMI Poster.  Recently we lost a member of our graduating class and most of us found out because of an ALL CAPS POST posted by his grieving wife.  I certainly understand the need to disseminate information quickly, but I about had a heart attack when I read the post.  I need to be eased into these things.  I liked being able to share stories and contact info afterwards, but I was wierded out by the whole facebook thing, mostly because I was scrolling through, delightfully learning what so-and-so was making for dinner and what whatsername was buying at Walmart . . . and BAM! 

10.  The Inspiration.  I am all about self-discovery and improvement, but the cheesy inspirational it’s-all-about-the-journey posts on a canvas of beautiful scenery?  I call bull-sh*t.  You know you’re sitting on your couch in your jammies just like I am, so don’t tell me you’re all zen now.

I am the first to fall into that trap of believing everyone else’s life is more glamorous, exciting, and fulfilling than mine.  Trust me.  Please remember to put it all in perspective.  People post what they want you to see.  Facebook is an excellent way to manipulate people’s perception of you.  This is why, from now on, I will be posting portraits

of myself,

my home, 

and my children's accomplishments

in order to make you all jealous.


  1. Oh my word. I was JUST rolling my eyes at the updates of both a 1 & 2. I love them. We're friends. But I don't have time to ask 9 million questions to find out what happened in your life. I have Office re-runs to watch in my slippers.

  2. LOL, TOO awesome for words, love it!! Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh this morning and for putting into words things I think all the time!

  3. Is there an alternate universe out there, where you are me and I am you? I laughed so hard, and have denied my children dinner to read your blog. Thanks!


Be nice, kids.