Monday, December 12, 2011

Condensed Version of my Many Misadventures

I had every intention of writing about my antics every day while Hubby was out of the country, but after days 1 and 2, I was too exhausted to find time to write.  I’m used to Hubby being MIA during the week, either with meetings, late nights at the office, or sports practice, so the weekdays weren't too bad.  The weekends kicked my @ss.  I have even MORE respect for single parents and military wives than I already did. 

So here is my Condensed Version of my many misadventures:

1.  Took Medium to the dentist to get a spacer, or as we call it in our family, “mouth bling.”  For what we’ve paid this dentist, Mommy could have had some hand bling or ear bling, but instead Medium has a mouthful of mouth bling.  Sigh.  Merry Christmas, Medium, you got dental work!

2.  Argued with Large, who is eight years old, about why it is inappropriate for him to watch Eastbound and Down, the HBO comedy series that features an “athlete” named Kenny Powers.  Yes, I know it is about baseball, but I’d prefer Large try to emulate someone whose chief mode of transportation is not a jet ski and who doesn’t toke up in the parking lot of his middle school substitute teaching job.  Call me a prude . . .

3.  Had the following uncomfortable and politically incorrect conversation with my children at the new Chick-fil-A.

Large:  You know what I like about this Chick-fil-A?
Mommy:  What’s that, son? 
Large:  All the people speak English.
Medium:  Yeah, at McDonald’s they all speak Spanish and you can’t unnerstand ‘em.
Mommy:  Well, lots of people speak different languages, and lots of people speak Spanish.
Medium:  They never get it right at McDonald’s.
Large:  Yeah, like last time?  We went to McDonald’s?  They gave me TWO packages of apple fries?  And no french fries!
Medium:  Yeah.  Daddy goes ‘is it TOO much to ask . . . '
Mommy:  Everyone makes mistakes.  Hey!  Is that a talking cow?

I’m hoping that the nice Hispanic gentleman and his two children who were sitting directly behind us did not hear this conversation.

4.  Loaded up all three kids in the Swagga Wagon and drove them through a torrential downpour to Target, which is the logical place to visit the eye doctor.  (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when you think good eye health, you think Target.  If they had a gynecologist and a dentist I’d never have to go anywhere else.)  We arrived only to find out that we no longer have vision coverage.  When I spoke to the Aetna representative on the phone and explained that I’m pretty sure we do, indeed, have vision coverage, he informed me that his computer system was down and he could not access my records.    This was a slight improvement over last week when I called and got a voice message that their phone system was down.  A tad bit annoyed . . . ahem. . . . I informed the operator that I was standing IN the doctor’s office WITH my 3 offspring for an appointment that was made months ago.  The operator apologized, and I use the term loosely, by saying "I'm sorry ma'am but I don't have a magic wand that can make the computers work."  Clearly not a parent himself, he suggested that we “give it a half hour” and try again.  


We’ll sit here with our hands folded in our laps and wait patiently for 30 minutes, at which point we will try again and may or may not be met with success.  Forget it.  Medium doesn’t need to see the blackboard.  He probably doesn’t pay attention anyway.

5.  You know how the media is all abuzz about Alex Baldwin being kicked off a plane for acting like my toddler refusing to power off and for slamming a bathroom door?  I was reading an article and the reader responses on MSN when this response caught my eye:

“I think all cell phones should be banned from aircraft as well as camera's, radio's, people with pacemakers, fat people (they're heavy), babies (adult one's too), underwear, bra's, people wearing lose fitting cloths, old people, deaf people (they can't hear the flight attendants yell at them), blind people (can't see which flight attendant is yelling at them), handicap people (they get in the way of us normal people), airline employee's (I don't like the fact they fly for free)....have I left anything out?”

I had to respond.  I just HAD to.  So I logged on and gave myself a user name and everything just so I could post this:

“um, you left out "people who know how to spell" and "apostrophe's."

Seriously, I could NOT help myself.  The Grammar Police ride again . . .

6.  Paid a nanny/babysitter the equivalent of a car payment so I could accompany my dad to the hospital for minor surgery.  (I’ll let you in on a little secret though . . . sitting in the waiting room afforded me enough time to address my Christmas cards, read a few chapters of my book, and catch up on my celebrity gossip.)  I was full of jokes that day too.  Lucky Dad. 

  • When the nurse came to attach his IV and apologized that it would hurt when it came time to remove it because it would pull his arm hair, I casually looked up from my magazine and suggested they tape it to his head . . . there’s no hair to worry about there.
  • When they asked if my dad had an advanced directive or a living will, I pulled a well-worn copy out of my back pocket.  Carry that bad boy with me.  Just in case.
  • When the receptioninst asked for his emergency information, I made him change his next of kin from my brother, who lives within 10 miles of my dad, to me, because clearly I am the responsible one. 
  • The doctor made him wear those special white compression socks that help with circulation.  I dubbed them Medical Spanx.

Apparently I am full o’ the jokes when I’m uncomfortable.  When they let me see him after surgery, the nurse patted my hand and said, “he did fine.  I know you were worried.  You looked very nervous when we took him back . . . I was more worried about you than I was about him!”

Pillar of strength, just like always.

*  PS - Click those ads!  Tiny Tim needs new crutches.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Be nice, kids.