My children went to school ONE day this week. And it was Monday.
1. I’m on my third cup o’ coffee this morning. I got the shakes, man. I feel like Kramer. And I’ve decided that I need to teach my children how to make coffee so I don’t have to get off the couch.
2. I haven’t washed my hair since Monday morning, and I didn’t shower at all yesterday. Yummy.
3. I have consumed so many cookies and skipped the gym so many days now that I think I have regained any weight I may have lost on Weight Watchers. I’m watching my weight all right . . . watching it increase.
4. If I have to watch iCarly one more time, I may poke my eyes out with a Lincoln Log. What I really want to watch is last night’s Jersey Shore, but I’m afraid Small’s first words will be “I’m going to Jersey Shore, B*tch!” Then he’ll lift up his onesie, revealing his sweet little baby belly and yelling, “we got a Situ-ATION.”
5. No one is buying my crap on ebay. I have this lovely lighting set, complete with pendant, chandelier, and flush mount entry-way light.
They retail for a good hunk o’ change, so I’ve tried Craigslist (where you can also purchase used auto parts and a murderer, if that’s your thing) and ebay, but nothin’. I just want to make enough money to purchase what I really want without having Hubby utter the words, “you paid how much?”
You see, we have The Hundred Dollar Rule, as a result of what we lovingly refer to as the Coach Bag Incident. Hubby bought a big screen tv which I didn’t think we needed. But guess what? He bought it anyway. Coincidentally, a girlfriend had a Friends and Family discount at Coach, so I bought me a bag. (Let it be known that that particular bag is STILL my favorite and I STILL carry it, so we shall consider it an investment. Big Screen TV has been relegated to the basement. So there.) After the Coach Bag Incident and the
yelling, knock-down-drag-out I’m goin’ to my mama’s fight conversation, we came to an agreement that if we were making a purchase over $100 we would consult the other. So I would like to make enough money to cover my over-$100 purchase without having to consult Hubby. I keep telling him I’m just trying to make a nice home for him . . .
6. We still have power. My girlfriend, Mama Mia, is without power. She keeps going to the gym to work out and take a hot shower. Her husband, The Italian, does not. Nor do her two sons. So I’m a little concerned that Mama Mia smells nice and fresh while the Italian and the two little sausages smell like rotting Parmesan. Just sayin'.
7. Small has pink-eye, a runny nose, and is teething. He constantly has Bonus Cheerios stuck to various body parts and/or inside his diaper. He kinda reminds me of that dog, Snots, in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Or one of Cousin Eddie’s kids.
8. Medium got his cast off last week. I told the doctor, “I like you and all, but I kinda hope I don’t see you again any time soon.” He looked at Medium (broken arm) and Large (broken collarbone) and Small in his infant carrier, and said, “three boys? I’ll see ya soon.” This does not bode well for me.
9. Hubby and I actually had a date on Monday night. Don’t get excited; it was a work function full of business people. We argued all the way there about the logic of having the babysitter’s mother stay with her, since she isn’t used to babies. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but Hubby suggested that maybe “we” wouldn’t be able to go out until Small gets a little older. And by “we,” he of course meant ME. So then we arrived at our destination and started drinking wine and listening to totally stimulating speeches (insert sarcastic eye roll here) and I started making a list. A list of things I could be doing right now, all of which would be more fun than listening to boring people spout out of their pie holes. It went something like this:
1. Something inappropriate that Hubby wrote . . . something I think is really more of a Saturday night activity than a Monday night activity. I mean, we’re not twenty. It’s a school night, Dear.
3. Plot your slow and painful death
4. Go grocery shopping
5. Get the oil changed
It was perfectly fine when it was just me and Hubby wink-wink-nudge-nudging each other at the table. Except I was so buzzed by the time we left that I accidentally left the list on the table. And it was titled “Things I Could Be Doing Instead of Listening to Boring People Spout Out of Their Pie Holes.” Oops. This is why Hubby can’t take me places. I have a tendency to embarrass him AND to tell people how much I paid for my clothes. Like the Partner’s Wife who now knows that I got my Christmas party dress at the Gap for $50. Apparently there are some things we’re supposed to keep to ourselves.
10. This is what my family room looks like.
And it’s snowing again.
Head. In. Oven.