Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Facebook Posts That Sum Up My Life.

. . . is wondering why Medium isn’t wearing any pants.  Again.  (5.20.08)

. . . is wondering why nobody ever buys my crap on ebay.  (5.30.08)

. .  .is wondering if anyone else thinks the duck on Word World sounds dangerously like Dr. Phil.  Or am I just losin’ it?  (6.2.08)

. . . thinks the First  Aid station at Yankee Stadium is the size of a closet.  Don’t ask me how I know this.  (7.18.08)

. . . snuck a 6-pack into the Stepbrothers movie last night – it really does make it funnier!  (8.5.08)

. . . is trying to make it ‘til Tuesday without sticking my head in the oven.  (8.28.08)

. . . is cooking dinner.  And by cooking I mean heating fish sticks and waffle fries.  (9.8.08)

. . . went to Pilates yesterday.  Now it hurts when I sneeze.  (9.11.08)

. . . is continuing to hold.  My call is very important to them.  The next available representative will be with me shortly.  (9.22.08)

. . . is ready for Hubby to be home from Chicago.  And I’m off to PTA.  (next step?  . . . apparently, vice presidential running mate.)  (9.24.08)

. . . almost lost my side mirror to a NJ Transit bus in the Lincoln Tunnel.  (10.2.08)

. . . wishes the PTA would serve frosty beverages at tonight’s Halloween party.  Mommy needs a glass of wine.  (10.30.08)

Charlie Bit My Finger” makes me laugh every time I see it.  And it makes me want to speak with a British accent.  All the time.  (11.13.08)

I have made a decision: when the answer to “is it dirty?” is “I wiped a booger on it,” the answer is YES.  (12.2.08)

Sittin’ poolside in Orlando.  (. . . OK, it’s the baby pool, but still.)  (12.8.08)

Just skidded and left my a$$ print on a snowy NYC sidewalk.  So graceful.  (12.19.08)

. . . is wondering of Stepbrothers will get an Oscar nod.  (1.2.09)

My 3-year-old just said, “Daddy’s a nice boy.  YOU’RE like a stepmom.”  NO more fairytales!  (1.8.09)

. . .watched Cops last night.  Watching shirtless men with mullets try to elude police always makes me feel better.  (3.2.09)

I am feeling better; thanks for asking.  Not 100% by any means, but I am no longer praying for the sweet release of death, so that’s a plus.  (3.18.09)

A Kindergartener complimented my mad art skillz.  It’s gonna be a good day!  (3.24.09)

Just kicked my husband out of the house for the ‘Heels game.  I can’t take the yelling and it scares the daylights out of the dog.  So, you see, he HAD to go.  (4.6.09)

Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are a gift from God.  (4.7.09)

My goal in life is to squeeze Tim McGraw’s biceps before I die.  (5.13.09)

. . . is watching a woman try to pluck her stiletto out of the rubber flooring at the playground.  Perhaps heels aren’t the best option for the playground?  (5.20.09)

Medium just told me, “no shows, no snacks, no tattoos, no nuffin!  I am NOT happy!”  and stomped his foot.  Alrighty then.  (5.28.09)

. . . is hoping we don’t have a repeat of the “naked temper tantrum” in public again today.  I was worried there’d be footage on the 11 o’clock news of me, disheveled and frustrated, trying to hail a cab on York Ave. while holding a screaming, kicking, wet, naked child.  (6.16.09)

. . . is celebrating a decade of marriage.  I’d get married all over again!  (Maybe even to my husband.)  (6.26.09)

. . . was sitting poolside and wondering . . . why can’t I look cute, sexy, and sassy while eating potato chips straight out of the Utz Big Bag like the 2 bikini-clad twentysomethings across the patio?  Sigh.  (7.6.09)

My darling husband hacked my facebook account and went Farmville-crazy . . . apparently because he wanted a free cow.  (7.31.09)

Just kicked Large’s a$$ at Wii Frisbee Dog.  Take that, 6-year-old!!!  (8.5.09)

Medium:  “Mommy, can you fix this?”  Me:  “Sure; what’s wrong with it?”  Medium: “I accidentally peed on it.”  (8.9.09)

A conversation between the boys – Medium: “Large!  WHAT has gotten into you?”  Large: “YOU don’t talk to me that way!”  Hmmmmm . . . .   (8.13.09)

It’s sad when Medium starts the day by saying, “if we go to Target today . . . “  (9.11.09)

Hubby came home from work in the middle of the day and caught me doing . . . housework.  I hate that.  I like his expectations to be LOW.  (9.18.09)

According to Large, “coffee is for ten-year-olds.”  (9.22.09)

. . . only has one fully-functioning nostril and a killer sinus headache.  Feel sorry for me.  (10.1.09)

Had fun in Old Town for L’s bachelorette party. Nothing says “we’re here to party” like a pregnant bridesmaid!  (10.4.09)

I think God invented the drive-thru Starbucks because He really wants me to be happy.  (10.21.09)

According to my husband, watching a pregnant woman with hot rollers in her hair apply deodorant while hiking up her dress and revealing maternity pantyhose is NOT sexy.  Who knew?  (11.7.09)

First Time-Out of the day at 7:03 AM.  It’s gonna be a long one . . . (11.11.09)

Just shaved a few years off my life by accidentally seeing a photo in US Weekly of John Gosselin doing yoga.  My eyes!  My EYES!!!  (11.16.09)

Last night’s dream:  The Jonas Brothers were on trial for some sort of hunting infraction, and they were in the front row in court, dressed in full camouflage regalia.  Only two were on trial though – the third was just there for moral support.  (11.24.09)

Mommy:  “Whatcha doing?”  Medium: “Nuffin, Just makin’ a card for Jesus, since it’s almost his birfday.  I need to draw girl hair, cuz Jesus looks like he has girl hair.”  (11.30.09)

Medium just walked into the living room with a Power Rangers mask and a pool noodle.  Hmmmm . . .  (12.7.09)

. . . is a little concerned that my four-year-old is reciting, word for word, the Touch and Brush commercial.  (1.5.10)
You squeeze!  You roll!  You press!
Now your bathroom looks a mess!
There's GOT to be a better way . . . 

My four-year-old is wearing only a t-shirt, underwear, and socks, and is singing “Rockin’ the Beer Gut.”  I pray he’s not doing the same thing in 20 years.  (1.11.01)

Both my children vomited during dinner.  And you wonder why I don’t cook.  (1.25.10)

Medium:  “I can’t stop smilin’. My cheeks are freezed.”  (1.30.10)

Medium:  “Mommy, why is your belly round?”  Mommy:  “Because I have a baby in there.”  Medium:  “When the baby comes out it will be regular?”  Theoretically son . . . theoretically.  Sigh.  (2.1.10)

Medium just rode his laundry basket down the stairs.  Those of you who know Medium will not be surprised . . . (4.13.10)

Nothing good comes out of “Mommy, I had a booger but I didn’t use a tissue . . . “  (4.27.10)

. . . is a little disturbed that we live in a world where Ashton Kutcher is considered one of TIME Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World.  (5.17.10)

Medium has a playdate this morning, so I reminded him to mind his manners and be on his best behavior.  He responded, “Forget about it, Mom.  I’ve got it covered.”  Sigh . . . that child!  (6.2.10)

Just received notice that my Starbucks reward card has been promoted to Gold Level!  Somehow I think Hubby will not be quite as impressed as I am with my latest accomplishment.  (I also got a Thank You card from the Gap today.  They love me!)  (6.2.10)

It was seven years ago today that I told Hubby I thought I was in labor, to which he replied, “Do I have time to order Chinese?  I didn’t get a chance to eat lunch.”  (6.27.09)

Hey, Lady at Dutch Wonderland Amusement Park, I asked if you could move your chair, not donate a kidney.  Pipe down.  (7.9.10)

A rainy day at home, baby vomit on my arm, race track on my family room floor, iCarly on two different Tvs, whites done and darks in the dryer.  Just another ay in Paradise!  (8.18.10)

Only 7 shopping days until my birthday. Hubby’s going to buy me Starbucks so caffeinated it will disable my blinking reflex, everyone's potty-time aim will be perfect, & the dog will poop OUTside. Boogers will go in kleenexes - not on my couch and no bodily functions and/or secretions shall take place on/near me. Someone please notify my family that this is the plan!  8.27.10)

I’m getting flak from the 7-year-old because he needs the computer for homework, and “I REALLY need to learn, Mom!”  (9.20.10)

Hubby’s in a cab from LGA to Montvale, NJ with a cabbie who has no GPS and “thinks” he knows where he’s going.  He texted me (Hubby, not the cabbie,) that they’ve stopped for gas.  I’m thinking the cabbie’s inside asking where’s a good place to hide a body . . . (10.4.10)

Gonna get my GTL on, except without the G or the T.  (That’s Gym-Tan-Laundry, for those of you not versed in the Jersey Shore lingo.)  (10.8.10)

I might shower today.  Haven’t decided.  (11.10.10)

You know what happens when you send an unaccompanied 5-year-old with $10 to the Scholastic Book Fair?  You become the proud owners of a Justin Bieber book.  (12.8.10)

Doing Pilates today.  (But according to an automatically corrected text I sent yesterday, I’m doing pilots.)  (1.4.11)

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