1. The stripes on my bedspread should be horizontal instead of vertical. I need them to go up and down. When they are horizontal, I lie in bed and think about the fact that they’re not vertical. Think, think, think. I need them to be up and down so the tag is on the bottom right.
2. I can’t stand it when people use their cell phones in public restrooms. I’m answering nature’s call. That doesn't mean you need to answer your BFF’s call.
3. The initials for Lane Bryant are LB, as in lbs. Is that supposed to be some sort of sick joke? I don't need any extra LBs on my clothing . . . that’s why I shop there in the first place.
4. I don’t think people who can’t use apostrophes correctly should argue that English should be the “official” language of the United States.
5. Why is it that I get 25 ketchup packets at the McDonald’s drive-thru, but if I ask for one mustard packet they practically have to call the manager at home to get written authorization?
6. I love Hershey’s Kisses, but since Easter I’ve decided that the wrappers are fornicating with the dust bunnies under my couch and they’re multiplying. I find them everywhere.
7. If my children ever get lost or kidnapped, I’ll just show the police my ipad and they can get the kids’ fingerprints from there.
8. Bruno Mars accidentally turned my 5-year-old into a badass. Even though he sings “hot pants” instead of “hot damn,” I just can’t seem to get him to annunciate “funk you up.” So yes, my preschooler will totally f*ck you up.
9. I think Large’s math teacher is a super hero called The Underminer. At one point Large may have believed I was kinda smart, but after last night’s homework I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m barely functioning as an adult.
10. Watching Downton Abbey makes me want to speak with a British accent. And also Peppa Pig. There’s just something about cartoon English pigs that makes me feel particularly Bri-ish. Honestly, I think I have more in common with Peppa than with Lady Grantham.