I am continuing my quest to lose 40 lbs. by the time I turn 39+1 in September. I have been checking out my "physique" in the aerobics room mirror, and I have decided that there are certain stereotypes perpetuated by gym members.
1. The Fat Girl. She (hypothetically, of course) is the red-faced girl who cringes every time the instructor says to “engage those abs.” Um, if I (I mean SHE) could do that we wouldn’t be here in the first place, now would we? Also, I don't do lunges because
a. my knees hurt and
b. when I do lunges I look like an ostrich doing the Charleston
She's double-bagging the sports bras and still worries about her boobs hitting her in the eyes and knees during particularly aerobic exercises. Picture Tyler Perry's Madea doing jumping jacks; you get the idea.
2. The Overachieving Pregnant Girl. She continues working out during all 9 months of her pregnancy. Perhaps if I had worked out instead of feasting on that 5-lb. bag of Tootsie Roll Midgets my Mother-in-Law bought me at Costco . . . man, I love that woman . . . I wouldn't have gained so much weight during pregnancy. My advice to you, Overachieving Pregnant Girl? If this is your first pregnancy, you’re gonna wish you’d taken a nap instead of stuffing that belly into spandex because that first week of new babyhood is the great equalizer; no amount of exercise is gonna change the fact that you’re an emotional time bomb, your teeth have 3-days-worth of gunk on them, and you haven’t washed your hair since sometime last week. Tootsie Roll Midgets sound pretty damn good right about now, don't they?
3. The Supportive BFF. She is your gorgeous, skinny, in-shape friend who reminds you that you’re on the right track / getting to the gym is half the battle / you’re getting healthy, etc. And sometimes she takes you to Starbucks after you leave the gym. We love her. But sometimes we wish she was fat.
4. Jane Fonda. This is the woman who has decided that after a 20 year sabbatical, she’s gonna get back in shape. She pulled out her spandex, her fluffy socks, and her braided headband and programmed Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical” on her ipod. Stand next to her; you’ll look good.
5. The Weight Lifter. You know how everyone else in the class has weights ranging in size from 2.5-5 lbs? She’s got the 10 pounder, and still acts as if she’s not being challenged. B*tch.
6. The Regular. She never misses a class, and sometimes she sticks around for the next class. I’m drenched in sweat and have jello legs, but she needs another hour of physical exertion. Apparently she doesn't have the Mt. Everest of laundry waiting for her at home.
7. The Non-Sweater. While I am feeling my pulse and praying that my heart doesn’t explode right in the middle of the gym floor, she’s barely breaking a sweat. This is a blessing in disguise, however. When I have a heart attack, I’m pretty sure she’ll have the energy to run and get the defibrillators.
8. The Jokester. While planking, she makes a funny about how “it’s not like you’re working with 400 lbs. of body weight! It’s only 200 lbs.” Hahahahaha . . . wait. Hey!
9. The Old Lady. She’s 90 years old, but she’s still shaking her money-maker at the gym. When I’m 90, I plan to be fat and surly. (You know . . . a complete change from what I am now.)
10. The Former Marine. I’m doing girly push ups and silently repeating the mantra my arms will not give out causing my face to slam into the floor, and she’s going all Demi Moore G.I. Jane. This is probably the same woman who just competed in the Tough Mudder – the race where contestants compete in a muddy obstacle course for the purpose of . . . well, I don’t know what the purpose is. I just know that I don't like getting persweaty, so you can be damn sure I don’t like rolling around in the mud like a prized swine. Makes me think of all the laundry I’d have to do afterwards. And bacon.