Thursday, October 27, 2011

Mamalamadingdong! Makin' Copies . . . .

I've decided I need to pen a handbook for people in the minimum-wage customer service industry at copy counters in office supply stores.  (It’s a very specific demographic.)  Here’s my outline:

I.               Customer relations

a.     Stop pretending you don’t see me, m-f’er.  I WILL ring your little bell, and I’ll be obnoxious about it.  Trust me on this one.

b.     Look the customer in the eye
                                                     i.     Not that customer; the one in front of you
                                                      ii.     Yes, I see her.  She’s very pretty.  Now back to me, thanks.

"BoyMommy!  Moooommm.
The Momster.
Makin' Copies . . . "
c.     take that ridiculous earphone off of your head, you moron.  You’re not helping the SWAT team detonate a bomb.  You’re makin’ copies.

d.     stop talking to people in the warehouse via your headset.  It confuses me.  I mean customers.

e.     Don’t hand my toddler a pen and then act surprised when he writes on something.  He’s not allowed to have pens at home for this. very. reason.

II.             Customer service

a.     Don’t answer the phone while I am standing here and then help the caller first.  I’m a real person, dammit.  I took the time to strap my little curtain-climbers into their car seats, drove all the way over here, and chased them through the parking lot, all Frogger-like, so that we could wait patiently at your counter.  It’s MY turn.

b.     I’m right.  Yes, I am.  Am too.  Am too.  The customer is always right. 

c.     I don’t want to hear your excuses.  I do not care.  I just want 20 copies, not the selling rights to your life story.

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Be nice, kids.