Summer “Vacation” has arrived. I have taken some artistic liberties with the timeline, but all of the following have occurred at some point during the first 4 days of summer break.
7:44 AM – kids wake up. Even though I have to rouse them from catatonic slumber on school days, today they are ready to go, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
8:07 AM – I am told that I “can’t be on WipeOut because small people do better.”
8:32 AM – the very first “What are we gonna do today?” of summer vacation.
8:40 AM – “What are we gonna do today?”
9:07 AM – “What are we gonna do today?”
9:08 AM – Mommy threatens to take away a quarter for every time Large asks, “what are we gonna do today?”
9:11 AM – Large: “I’m just so anxious about what we’re gonna do today!”
9:31 AM – “So what are we gonna do? Just sit in the house all day?” (Someone’s getting sassy!)
9:38 AM – Lesson of the Day: when the toilet is clogged with toilet paper that Small has stuffed in the bowl, for the love o’ pete, don’t poop on top of it.
9:43 AM – Addendum to Lesson of the Day: don’t leave the bathroom door open, which will allow for Small to throw two Rice Krispie Treats and a pair of Crocs into the toilet.
10:00 AM - Mommy: “Can you get off the table, please?”
10:16 AM – It’s Albert Pujols; not Albert Poopholes. But Poopholes is much funnier.
10:58 AM – restart WipeOut, so we can watch it AGAIN.
11:14 AM – Medium: “Did you know that Justin Beiber sings 'Eenie Meenie Miney Moe'? And so does his best friend Utcher.”
11:20 AM – I know! Let’s go to Target! There’s a Starbucks there!
11:38 AM – “(Gasp!) Mom! Oh, never mind. I thought that was Miss K’s car.” Because we ALWAYS see K at Target.
11:45 AM – Large: “EXTRA Large?” Um, can we refrain from commenting, please?
1:00 PM – Blessed Nap Time for Small. Find something quiet to do.
1:07 PM – see neighbor boys outside with their mom, who is taking them to the tennis courts, and they want to know, can Large and Medium come? Gee, I just put Small down for a nap . . . “I can take them,” says neighbor mom. Well-played, Boy Mommy. Well-played.
1:08 PM – After admonitions to use their best manners, be good listeners, etc., Mommy sits on couch to catch up on the world news. (Afghanistan? Midwest Flooding? The upcoming Presidential Race?) And also, Real Housewives of New Jersey.
2:00 PM – they’re back.
2:14 PM - Overheard from basement: “Whoa. It’s a good thing you were wearing a helmet.”
2:36 PM - Medium: “Is Pluto just a really small planet, or is it big but just really far away?” F*ck if I know, kid.
2:53 PM – “Mom! Come see! There’s ants in here and they’re eating a dead fly!”
3:00 PM – Small wakes up from nap.
3:06 PM - Large: “Mom. Small has a runny nose. Can you do something?”
3:07 PM – Medium begins doing laps around the kitchen and living room on the Ride-On vehicle intended for the baby and complete with a set of headphones. At last count, he was on lap 75. He’s perfectly content.
4:00 PM – Know what time it is? It’s Happy Hour! We’re just gonna have one glass.
4:23 PM - Mommy: “No, I don’t want to do Easy Bake right now. Mommy’s busy.”
5:00 PM – kicked the bottle.
5:13 PM – Daddy’s home early! Takes the kids out. Somewhere. Not sure where, but when they return, they’re singing . . .
7:20 PM – “I like big butts and I cannot lie. You otha brothas can’t deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in yo’ face you get SPRUNG!” Super.