Gayle? Are you out there?

I’ve recently stated that I need a Gay Husband because I could use some help around the house, some decorating advice, and a date to concerts my husband doesn’t want to see. Following this logic, his dearth of parental responsibilities would enable him to avail himself to my every whim. I wanna get my toes done at 6 pm on a Tuesday because Hubby just happened to get home early? Guess who’s coming along!

Turns out, I need a Gay Wife too.

I was ironing shirts last night and watching Oprah and Gayle on their recent camping trip. (Side note: I was ironing two brand new shirts for my husband. I purchased them last night and came straight home to iron them so he’d have one for today and one for tomorrow – because I dropped the ball with the dry cleaning and didn’t get it dropped off in time and now it won’t be back when he needs it. My punishment? Shopping for men’s dress shirts and then ironing them.) So Oprah and Gayle were road-tripping, singing along to Kenny Rogers - Hello?! Why was I not invited on this trip? – and spending a few days bonding.

“I need a new best friend,” I told Hubby, who was lying in bed watching me iron. I’m sure there’s some sort of sexual fetish going on there, but trust me, watching Oprah in my worn-out pj’s while ironing was not an intentional man-gettin’ activity. I guess it was just my natural sexual prowess. Hehe. “Besides you, of course.”

“Why? You HAD a best friend, but you f***ed it up,” he replied sarcastically.

See, I recently broke up with my BFF. We have known each other since we were 15. I was her child’s godmother. We were in each other’s weddings. The simplest reason I can offer for the demise of our friendship is that she felt I couldn’t offer her the support she needed, and I felt too many conditions were being placed on my friendship. I couldn’t be her Yes Man and still maintain my integrity, and since we’re no longer in high school and we couldn’t seem to agree to disagree, the friendship is effectively over. It makes me sad.

“I need someone I can go on road trips with. Someone to laugh with and have inside jokes with,” I explained.

“But Oprah and Gayle have a lesbian thing going on,” which may or may not be true. Even they alluded to it, jokingly, during their road trip.

“I don’t even have anyone I could be lesbians with!” I cried. “You have a best friend, someone you’ve known since middle school, and a shared history. I don’t have that.”

The truth is, I don’t have a BFF. I have plenty of friends and I have some of the BEST friends a girl could ever need, but I don’t have a BFF. I need a Partner in Crime - that one woman who is honest and hilarious and not afraid to call me on all my sh*t, my soul mate in friend form, like Thelma and Louise or Laverne and Shirley. My mother’s best friend feels like a second mom to me.  I have fond memories of them just being together, and I want that kind of natural friendship. It’s hard to lose your best friend when you’re a little kid, and honestly, it’s hard at 37.

I know things change and people grow apart. I think about some of the really fun friendships I’ve had, and I don’t know why I have never had that ONE long-lasting friendship that you read about in chick-lit. I realize the common denominator here is me. What’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning?

So now I need a Gay Husband and a Gay Wife.

"Smiling's my favorite!"

The candidates, in no particular order, are:
1. Sassy Gay Friend – because I luuuuurrve him.
2. Bethenny - because b*tch is the new b*tch, B*tch.  And besides that, if Girlfriend has a way for me to get skinny by drinking margaritas, we NEED to be friends.
3. Kate & Lydia from Rants from Mommyland – although they already have each other.
4. Karen and/or Jack from Will & Grace
5. Cam from Modern Family
6. Jen Lancaster, because I love a Preppy B*tch (and her website is called Jennsylvania. WHY didn’t I think of that?)
7. someone who owns a beach house and wants to invite me there often.
8. Buddy the Elf.

This is an amendment to my previous list of people with whom I want to be friends.


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