Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Off My Island!

As promised – a list of people I am going to vote off My Island:


  1. Caitlynn’s mom from Teen Mom.  I don’t watch this show religiously, but I have seen a few episodes.  The back story is that Caitlynn and Tyler got pregnant and decided to put their baby up for adoption because they wanted a better life for her than they were prepared to provide.  Except Caitlynn’s mother calls her own daughter a b*tch and chides her for her decision because Cailtynn had the audacity to give away her granddaughter without even asking her.  Lady, you’ve been doggy-paddling in the shallow end of the gene pool and your daughter just provided your grandbaby with a life preserver.  Shut yer yapper and go have another cigarette.

"Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.
The steam coming out of your ears powers the NYC public transit system."
  1. The Manhattan office of Time Warner Cable.  Specifically, the employee who tagged my account so that when I called I was told, “we’re not allowed to speak with you anymore Mrs. BoyMommy.  It says here on your account that we’re supposed to refer you to management.”  You see, I didn’t enjoy playing their little choose-your-own-adventure number labyrinth all in an attempt to speak to an ACTUAL person.  Here’s an idea:  communicate to your employees so that when they show up to my apartment, all heavily belted and tighty-whitie showing, they have a CLUE as to why they’re there and perhaps even which equipment it would have been nice to have.  And don’t get all pissy when I call to complain (I mean politely voice my concern) that I stuck around my apartment all day waiting for said employee, only to find that the equipment he brought was actually worse than what I already had.  Further, please just humor me and assume that I, a college-educated woman, changed the batteries in the remote already – batteries are not the problem – it’s your friggin’ malfunctioning remote.  Good customer service does not include me packing up my two children, carrying the stroller down two flights of subway stairs, taking the subway to Union Square, (which is packed with shoppers, students, tourists, movie-goers, etc. ALL of whom LOVE to see a woman pushing a stroller and HAPPILY get out of my way before I run their heals over with my MacLaren Death Machine.  Beep Beep, folks,) carrying the stroller UP two flights of stairs, schlepping over to your office, and waiting patiently in line – all before noon, lest you be on your lunch break upon my arrival – so that I can trade my old remote for one that actually works.  So yeah.  Put your manager on the phone.  I have a few things I’d like to say.
I'm compensating for something.  Can you guess what it is?

  1. The Mexican drug people.  Give that poor woman her husband’s body back so she can say goodbye.  This one’s not funny. 

  1. The Situation from Jersey Shore.  You can come off the island when you learn how to treat a lady.  We’ve seen your abs, so congrats on that and all.  Now put your shirt back on and contribute something to society, shall we?

  1. Tariq and Michaele Salahi.  Speaking of contributing to society . . . I’m not sure what their line of business is, other than bullshi*t.  It bugs me that they portray themselves as cultured socialites and they seem to get away with it.  Let’s put them on my island and let them lead cheers and drink beer from wine glasses.  It would be win-win, because it seems to me they need a place to stay.  They’re the richest-acting homeless people ever.

My Island will be all Lord of the Flies meets the Donner Party.  Hopefully. 

Here’s a typical meeting of the minds on My Island:

Situation: Yo.  We goin’ out tonight?  It’s T-shirt time!

Salahis: Yes!  Here’s our invitation!  Oh wait, I forgot the invitation, but I have an email . . .

Mexican Drug People: We’re gonna have to swim there – who’s going in the water first? 

Caitlynn’s mom: Anybody gotta smoke?

Time Warner Cable: Your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.  (hehe.)  But I doubt it.

Salahis: I’m going to wear a sombrero and one of those Mexican blanket poncho thingys.  Because I’m blond and originally Midwestern.  Then I’m going to drink tequila from a coffee mug and Corona from a brandy snifter.

Situation: Yo.  I’m gonna hit that.

Caitlynn’s mom: I elect myself leader of this group.  I’m getting hitched to my daughter’s baby-daddy’s imprisoned father because, based on my living conditions, my smoking/drinking habit, and my fully-functioning though too old to be doing so baby-maker, I clearly make good decisions.  I needa light.

Mexican Drug People: Dude, smoking is so bad for your health.  Just say no.

Situation: Oh snap!  Should I do Gym, Tan, or Laundry?

Time Warner Cable: Press 9 for more options.

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