Tips From My Mom

I say it every year: Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me.  

You know I loves a day that’s all about me.  In fact, I think MORE days should be devoted to my general awesomeness, but we can look at the calendar later.  

Shut up, Jane Seymour.  You're buggin' me.

I lost my mom to cancer in 2005, and sometimes it’s hard to look at all those sweet greeting cards at Hallmark or to see commercials for tacky necklaces designed by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. 

Me and my mommy.

In memory of my mom, here are some important lessons I learned from her:

1.  It’s just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man.  

Yes, you read that correctly.  Why love a poor man if you can love a rich one?  (Unless, of course, you’re actually in love with the economically-challenged guy . . .  but then you run the risk of living in your parents’ basement for the rest of your married life.  Or worse, HIS parents' basement.)

2.  If someone says something bad about you, live so no one will believe it.  

It’s taken me a loooong time to embrace this philosophy, but she was right.  You can’t make people like you; you just have to be true to yourself.  Conduct yourself in such a way that people who know you will speak up on your behalf.  It works the other way too - this is why when people say I am skinny, athletic, and healthy, no one believes it. 

3.  Never put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the newspaper.  

This lesson came in the 4^th grade when I was writing a love note to a boy.  (Trey Wickham, are you out there?)  It’s even more relevant today in the age of Instagram and Facebook and SnapChat.  Once you put it out there, it’s OUT there.  Forever.  Good luck finding long term employment, sorority girl who sent a scathing email to her "sisters"!  The permanence of the World Wide Internets is also why my dad hates this blog.  I put it all out there, perhaps unwisely.  And apparently he doesn't enjoy reading about my bikini wax adventures.  

4.  If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.  

You’d think I’d keep my yapper shut, but alas, I have no filter, so what comes up comes out. . . . which is why, last weekend at Gold Cup, I told a complete stranger, who was wearing a white linen suit with a black t-shirt, that he looked like Sonny Crocket.  

Totally forgot how hawt Don
Johnson was in the 80's.

5.  White carpet picks up everything but men and money.  True dat.

6.  If you don’t have the sense that God gave a goose, then you’d best stay home.  

Seriously . . . use yer noggin.

7.  It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.   

Debatable, but I believe that every relationship, romantic or otherwise, teaches us lessons about ourselves.  For instance, because of a previous love, I know that I do not find Eau de Shift-at-Taco-Bell to be an aphrodisiac. 

8.  Do not leave the house looking like you were rode hard and put up wet.  

Get your sh*t together.  I'm not saying you have to be all dressed up, but brush your teeth at least.

9.  Similarly, always wear clean underwear.  

This is just a staple of good hygiene.  The last thing you want is some 20-year-old EMT with an ambulance license and a CB handle looking at your crusties. 

10.  Mommy needs her own candy stash . . . one that is hers and hers only.  

(Or an alcohol stash.  To each her own.)

That's 16 o's folks.  He really loves me.  Please also notice the giant pile o' laundry.

Give your mom an extra snuggle this Mother's Day.  Even if she drives you bat sh*t crazy, you're pretty lucky to have her around.  And go ahead and let your own little ones shower you with adoration, much like they do every other day.  (Ha!  That last statement just made wine come out my nose . . . )

Happy Mother's Day to my fellow Sisters in the trenches!