What's in YOUR Bag?

Last night after dinner I decided I wanted to go to a local department store to look at tote bags.  I already own several thousand tote bags, but not THE PERFECT tote bag, hence my search.  Plus, I figured tote bag shopping would provide some much-needed alone time.

No such luck.

For some reason, Large decided he wanted to come with me.  Below is a sampling of our conversations while shopping for THE PERFECT tote bag.

LARGE:  Mom, these jeans look very large.

ME: Well, they’re a size smaller than what I usually wear.

LARGE: Wait, stand still.  Let me hold them up to you.  Um, where’s your waist?  Is it here? . . . Here? 

LARGE: (holding up a tiger-print, one-shouldered blouse) Look at THIS, Mommy!

ME:  Have you EVER seen me wear something like that?

LARGE:  No.  How come you never wear stuff like this?

ME:  I’m what they call a Plain Jane.

LARGE:  What’s a Plain Jane?

ME:  It’s someone who wears simple clothing – nothing flashy or animally.

LARGE: You mean like how you always wear a white shirt?

ME: Exactly.

LARGE: ooooh . . . look at THIS bag!  Is this fake zebra skin?

ME:  I don’t think that’s really my style.

LARGE:  Well, what are you looking for?

ME:  I’d really like something shiny like this one (pointing to an orange patent leather tote) that has a zipper up  top and pockets inside.

LARGE:  Well, what’s wrong with this zebra one?

ME:  I just don’t think I’d use that one.

LARGE: (sarcastically.  I don’t know where he gets it.)  Oh, like you’d use a shiny orange one.

LARGE: How come all these shoes are so high?

ME: Some women like to wear high heals because they look pretty.

LARGE: Look!  These almost fit me!  (Athletic socks and all . . . )

ME:  Super.  Daddy will be very proud.

LARGE: . . . But they’re hard to walk in.

LARGE:  (holding up a pair of driving mocassins.)  These shoes look like cleats.  But not football cleats.  Baseball cleats.  They should make these baseball cleats.

ME: Awesome.  You’d be the most fashionable kid on the ball field.

We were not successful in our quest for THE PERFECT tote bag, so I am still carrying my monogrammed Lands’ End tote.  It’s the only thing that fits all my crap.

Just for kicks . . .

1. An Inventory, from left to right:
2. Diapers and Wipes in handy clutch
3. Orioles baseball cap
4. Card from Edible Arrangements I received on our anniversary
5. Hair ribbon
6. 1 Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheat
7. coupons, expired
8. race car, red
9. umbrella
10. game schedules
•  Baltimore Orioles
• Richmond Flying Squirrels
11. Nail files from my last manicure, weeks ago
12. Clutch with emergency paraphernalia
• Epi-Pen
• Benadryl
• Advil
• Sea Bands since Large gets car sick
• Inhaler
• Band-Aids and Neosporin
• 2 tampons
• Off FamilyCare insect repellent towelettes
• Dramamine
• Tums
• Burts Bees
• May Kay Nourishine Lip Gloss in Bronze Bliss
13.  Clutch of emergency lollipops and Craisins
14. Wallet
15. Pens of various sizes, colors, and permanency
16. Binder clip
17.  Sunscreen
18. Empty bottle of party bubbles
19. Bakugan ("borrowed" from cousin)
20. Nasal spray
21. Diet Coke
22. sunglasses
23. mints
24. 2 trains, Thomas and Percy
25. 2 cars
26. athletic supporter
27. appointment cards for doctor appointments
28. Dental Floss
29. Small’s sunglass tether, no longer tethered to said sunglasses
30. Ticket to Strawberry Hill horse races which occurred on June 2
31. Loudoun 8U Aces Lineup
32. JoAnn’s Coupons
33. Barrettes
34. Score book from Minor League ball game

Just thinking of all the sh*t MacGyver could make out of all this stuff makes my head hurt.  Perhaps I’ll take one of these three unidentifiable pills I found among the sand and pretzel salt in the bottom of the bag . . . 

So let's hear it, mommies.  What's in YOUR bag?