Last night after dinner I decided I wanted to go to a local department store to look at tote bags. I already own several
thousand tote bags, but not THE PERFECT tote bag,
hence my search. Plus, I figured tote
bag shopping would provide some much-needed alone time.
No such luck.
For some reason, Large decided he wanted to come with me. Below is a sampling of our conversations while shopping for THE PERFECT tote bag.
LARGE: Mom, these jeans look very large.
ME: Well, they’re a size smaller than what I usually wear.
LARGE: Wait, stand still. Let me hold them up to you. Um, where’s your waist? Is it here? . . . Here?
LARGE: (holding up a tiger-print, one-shouldered blouse) Look at THIS, Mommy!
ME: Have you EVER seen me wear something like that?
LARGE: No. How come you never wear stuff like this?
ME: I’m what they call a Plain Jane.
LARGE: What’s a Plain Jane?
ME: It’s someone who wears simple clothing – nothing flashy or animally.
LARGE: You mean like how you always wear a white shirt?
LARGE: ooooh . . . look at THIS bag! Is this fake zebra skin?
ME: I don’t think that’s really my style.
LARGE: Well, what are you looking for?
ME: I’d really like something shiny like this one (pointing to an orange patent leather tote) that has a zipper up top and pockets inside.
LARGE: Well, what’s wrong with this zebra one?
ME: I just don’t think I’d use that one.
LARGE: (sarcastically. I don’t know where he gets it.) Oh, like you’d use a shiny orange one.
LARGE: How come all these shoes are so high?
ME: Some women like to wear high heals because they look pretty.
LARGE: Look! These almost fit me! (Athletic socks and all . . . )
ME: Super. Daddy will be very proud.
LARGE: . . . But they’re hard to walk in.
LARGE: (holding up a pair of driving mocassins.) These shoes look like cleats. But not football cleats. Baseball cleats. They should make these baseball cleats.
ME: Awesome. You’d be the most fashionable kid on the ball field.
We were not successful in our quest for THE PERFECT tote bag, so I am still carrying my monogrammed Lands’ End tote. It’s the only thing that fits all my crap.
Just for kicks . . .
- An Inventory, from left to right:
- Diapers and Wipes in handy clutch
- Orioles baseball cap
- Card from Edible Arrangements I received on our anniversary
- Hair ribbon
- 1 Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheat
- coupons, expired
- race car, red
- game schedules
- Baltimore Orioles
- Richmond Flying Squirrels
- Sea Bands since Large gets car sick
- Band-Aids and Neosporin
- 2 tampons
- Off FamilyCare insect repellent towelettes
- Burts Bees
- May Kay Nourishine Lip Gloss in Bronze Bliss
Just thinking of all the sh*t MacGyver could make out of all this stuff makes my head hurt. Perhaps I’ll take one of these three unidentifiable pills I found among the sand and pretzel salt in the bottom of the bag . . .
So let's hear it, mommies. What's in YOUR bag?