Though I am not a fan of the rhetorical question, especially
since Carrie overused it on Sex and the City, I have one of my own.
Except I really want to know the answer.
How do you build your child’s faltering self-esteem without
coddling him?
Medium is having a tough time these days. First grade has been a difficult year
for him, what with the SATs and the college admissions process and all. What? Oh, that’s later?
The principal called me once at the beginning of the year
for a minor infraction at school.
Apparently Medium told a classmate “I’m gonna kill you,” the way 1st
graders do. But this is 2012 so
the administration must take everything seriously, and I don’t blame them. They handled it professionally, but I
am happy that we were able to resolve the situation through meaningful
conversation.
The second time he called went like this:
Principal:
“Mrs. BoyMommy? It’s Mr.
Assistant Principal at school. How
are you today?”
Me: “Uh
oh. What happened now?”
Principal: chuckles. “Not every
phone call from me is going to be bad news!”
Me: “Okay. Then why are you calling me?”
Principal:
“Well . . . “
And so it goes.
Medium is a bright, curious, creative child, and Hubby and I have tried
very hard to encourage him in areas where he can excel. The problem is, if he thinks he won’t
excel, he won’t even try. For
instance, he was invited to a sports-themed birthday party last week, but he
was apprehensive about going because “they’re all gonna be playing games and
they keep score.” I reminded him
that his classmate invited Medium to his party because he likes him for him,
not because he’s good or bad at sports.
He just wanted Medium to help him celebrate his big day. When I went to pick up, however, the
mom expressed concern that he didn’t have a good time because he didn’t want to
play any of the games. What a fun
kid to invite to your party!
He possesses natural athletic ability. He’s fast and agile and strong. Obviously he gets all these qualities
from me. And maybe a little bit
from my athletic husband. My point
is that it’s not like he’s making a fool of himself on the ball field. He can hold his own, but if there’s any
risk of failure, he won’t even start.
Hubby and I realize it is our job to help him find his
niche, and we’ve never, in ALL our years of parenting school-aged children,
pressured the boys to be straight-A students. We want them to enjoy going to school, to be curious about
their environment, and to build lasting relationships with their peers. So it’s not as if he’s getting a lot of
pressure at home to be perfect. It
breaks my heart when he comes home and tells me “I’m the worst student” because he’s struggling with math, or
spelling, or reading, or writing.
I’ve tried explaining that we can’t all be good at everything; I can’t
balance a checkbook and Daddy isn’t crafty, but it seems that he feels he’s
good at nothing.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’m not a fan of the let’s-give-everyone-a-trophy philosophy
either. (And not just because I
can’t stand having dust-catchers around OR because THIS 4-foot monstrosity is
still taking up space in my home.)
 |
| "YOU get a trophy! And YOU get a trophy! And . . . " |
In life, there are winners and there are losers. Sometimes life’s not fair. How else can one explain why good
people get sick while Charles Manson rots away in prison? It’s NOT fair; it’s just the way life
works. I know this is a life
lesson that Medium must learn and that it’s our responsibility to guide him
through it, but I’d like him to learn it with minimal therapy.
How do we help him feel good about himself and all he brings
to our family without being unrealistic about his abilities? How do we explain to a seven-year-old
that his worth and his value do not come from a scoreboard or a report card or
a blue ribbon? I’ve been there - I
have been the child who never gets picked for the team, or who never scores a
goal, or who loses the election. I
know what it’s like to never feel like you’re the best at . . . well, anything. And that’s okay. We can’t all be rock stars. I just wish he’d relax and go with the
flow, man. I want him to enjoy
playing the game for the sake of having fun . . . instead of feeling like he’s the worst just because he’s not
the best.
1st off...love your blog. Pushed me into doing my own. 2nd, We had the same issue, with a small curve. We have twins and one excelled in sports and other became more and more reluctant to be apart of any thing competitive. Our answer came in the form of karate. Not the hard nose/in your face karate but something like Shao lin. It's an individual sport (kinda like golf) but makes you challenge yourself as oppose an opponent plus the rewards come in the degree of belts..ie yellow/brown/black. It has given him both confidence and something that is own. Good luck and keep the blog rolling!
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