The misadventures continue . . .
My observations at the gym this morning.:
|Dude, work on your triceps!|
- The wall of mirrors in the class studio is like a giant funhouse mirror. Surely my batwings are not that floppy. (Didn't know there was a name for that underarm floppiness, did ya?) Why does my reflection look so much larger than everyone else’s? When I stand directly in front of the instructor, I’m quite sure the patron immediately behind me cannot see her at all.
- The easiest part of yoga this morning was when the instructor asked us to bend into a seated position so that our chests were touching our thighs. Hehe. NO problemo. Take that skinny b*tches with your perky B cups.
- Every mother holds her breath when the attendant from the nursery quietly sneaks into the back of the room and scans for her target. Today it was my turn. Small apparently does not realize how much will power it takes for me to get to the gym in the first place.
- My weight loss strategy apparently entails purchasing double-dipped chocolate covered peanuts at the grocery store immediately following my workout. And also opening them in the car on the way home. (I needed sustenance for the 3 mile drive.) I got chocolate on my workout shirt . . . the irony of this is not lost on me.
5. College girls home for the summer annoy me to no end.
a) sweating like a whore in church,
b) trying to prevent my pants from catching fire lest my thighs rubbing together cause a spark,
c) learning all I ever need to know about Pink on E! because heaven forbid the gym make NBC available,
d) feeling constricted by my too-small sports bra, which I purchased because if I wear my actual size then I’m liable to get a black eye or bruised knees from all the boob-floppin’,
e) and working the elliptical next to a mouth-breather. Lucky me.
· College girls:
a) carrying cell phone at all times,
b) sporting brightly colored sports bra vaguely covered by off-the-shoulder Flashdance sweatshirt,
c) wearing Nike running shorts that show off tanned, athletic legs,
d) and somehow not sweating. Perhaps because there's no actual working out taking place.
This bothers me because when I was a college girl home for the summer I hated working out. Riding the bike to nowhere for 10 minutes made me feel like I was going . . . um, nowhere and I was morbidly afraid of falling off the back of the treadmill.
6. I went to the gym in the evening recently; usually I go in the morning. The gym has a foul odor at night. It smells like an aromatic cocktail of adolescent sweat, frito breath, and feet.
7. My girlfriend told me the other day that she couldn’t believe how strong I am. She’s on crack. Also, she wasn’t paying close enough attention and she missed the part where I switched to the 2.5 lb. weight.
8. I am thankful that I know the difference between a swimsuit and a workout tank, unlike one of my fellow yogis this morning. I had to refrain from touching her lightly on the arm while shaking my head and saying, “oh, honey, no.”
9. You know I have a thing about toes. (Read about my strict flip-flop policy.) If you don’t take care of your toes, please don’t be flashing those puppies around. I’m not saying they have to be perfectly painted at all times, but if you’ve picked at your big toe so much that your toenail looks like it’s about to be swallowed up by the toe around it, please, for the love o’ pete, wear socks.
10. If one more person reminds me that it’s almost bathing suit season I am going to lose my sh*t. According to my calendar I now have approximately 1 day in which to lose 50 lbs. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
Well, peeps, I hope this blog entry has made you feel a little better about yourself. It has certainly made me feel worse about my chocolate-covered peanuts, which I will be thinking about as I sit pool-side tomorrow.