Small finished up preschool last week, which means the
summer is fast approaching and the boys will be with me all the time.
All. The. Time.
I will no longer have that brief block of time in which to
run tedious errands by myself. You know
what makes them even tediouser? Taking
everyone with me. Even yesterday, I had
to purchase TWO separate kinds of vitamins.
You mommies out there know immediately that the reason I had to buy two
was because I had two children with me . . . hence two types of vitamins. This phenomenon also explains why my grocery
bill triples over the summer.
Things I’d rather do than take all 3 of my children to the
grocery store:
1. Shop for jeans,
bras, and/or bathing suits. Try on said
items in a poorly lit, closet-sized room with a three-way mirror so that I can
look at my own flat @ss and watch myself do the bent over boob shimmy maneuver.
2. Get a bikini wax. After a looooong winter.
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| I'm gonna need you to slide all the way down to the end . . . |
3. Visit the
gynecologist.
4. Watch a Barbie
movie marathon, complete with catchy tunes and multiple costume changes.
5. Discuss politics
and religion with Ann Coulter.
6. Listen to 9th
graders do a cold reading from the Complete
Works of William Shakespeare.
7. Clean out somebody
else’s ear wax.
8. Pull the hair from
the shower drain.
9. Ride the subway to
Yankee Stadium on a sweltering hot summer day.
In a subway car with faulty air-conditioning. And positioned under the armpit of a
muscle-shirt-clad Yankees fan. Don’t ask
me how I know the specifics . . .
10. Walk barefoot
through the schmat on a fraternity house party room floor.
