*ss-Kissing Update!

Dear BoyMommy -

You totally had us at "loves the Target" but we're pretty sure you knew that already.

Lydia swooned at the shelf comment -- she nodded with this sage look on her face, looked at me and shook her head like she was disappointed.

For the record, I look like a hot mess when I'm done at the gym. Though the mirror in front of the treadmill does a hell of a job to keep me running. How wrong is that??

AND...

of course you can be a blog we lurve! I'm adding you now. WOOT!

xoxo Kate

THIS, folks, is how my shameless brown-nosing earned Boymommynyc.blogspot.com a place on the prestigious  (and yet monetarily worthless) Rants from Mommyland "Blogs We Love" list.  And it took me way less time than it took Ellen to weasel her way onto the O Magazine cover.

http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/

Unadulterated *ss-Kissing

I have recently begun a campaign to get a shout-out on the Rants From Mommlyand blog.  (http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/)  These ladies, Kate and Lydia, are hilarious - they have this blog and now they've gotten a writing gig and everything.  Remember how Ellen campaigned to get on the cover of Oprah's O Magazine?

Ellen just kept talking about how she wanted to be on the cover of O Magazine, which was funny because Oprah is Queen of the Universe and she's the only one who is ever on the cover.  But it worked!  


So this is my campaign to get a shout-out on RantsfromMommyland.com.  They have a section called "Blogs We Love," and my current goal in life is to be ON THAT LIST.  

I sent them an email this morning, detailing all the reasons why they should love me:

1.  I loves Target.  When I lived in Manhattan, I used to take the subway 2 stops into Harlem to get my car out of the garage so I could drive it 45 minutes into Queens or Connecticut just so I could go to Target.  

2.  I have three boys, because even God knows that this house is only big enough for one princess.  And that would be me.

3.  I truly believe that if I am reincarnated, I will come back as Ms. Dolly Parton.  In fact, my signature karaoke song is "9 to 5."

4.  Though I birthed my last child a little over a year ago, in reality I've been trying to take off the baby weight (which consists mostly of chocolate and Doritos.  Original, not the Cool Ranch,) for about 8 years.  I am a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers, and I've decided that this means I will be struggling with my weight for the duration of my lifetime.

5.  I have the mouth of a sailor - but there are certain words I do NOT say, and I do my best not to HEAR them either.  I refer to nether-regions. 

6.  I was recently told by a perfectly respectable Tarot Card Reader that I am a deep person, and I have therefore dubbed myself the Dalai Mama.

7.  I need to find a way to make money doing this blog thing.  I'm a SAHM, and I would love to not have to justify to anyone my 7-days-a-week coffee habit.  My husband works hard to support our family . . . and apparently my caffeine addiction based on the amount of money and time I spend at Starbucks.

8.  My misadventures at the gym are Pulitzer Prize worthy.  You can't make this sh*t up. ( http://boymommynyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/zen-of-nugget.html)  You know the fabulous woman in the cute workout clothes whose hair stays perfectly coiffed throughout Body Pump?  (kate.)  That's not me.  I'm the fat girl in the back.

9.  I, too, have a shelf.  It's where I keep my crumbs.  I inherited it from my grandmother, who also called it her shelf.  Like me, she took pride in all of her chins and swore that her kidneys were next to her eyeballs, which is why she was so emotional.

10.  I buried my mother in a pair of Tweety Bird socks because I knew she wouldn't want to be wearing pantyhose for All Eternity.  Mama raised me right.

Check out their blog at rantsfrommommyland.com.  When I'm a rich and famous writer, world-renowned for my biting wit and sarcasm, I'll buy you a car.  I promise.

Gayle? Are you out there?

I’ve recently stated that I need a Gay Husband because I could use some help around the house, some decorating advice, and a date to concerts my husband doesn’t want to see. Following this logic, his dearth of parental responsibilities would enable him to avail himself to my every whim. I wanna get my toes done at 6 pm on a Tuesday because Hubby just happened to get home early? Guess who’s coming along!

Turns out, I need a Gay Wife too.

I was ironing shirts last night and watching Oprah and Gayle on their recent camping trip. (Side note: I was ironing two brand new shirts for my husband. I purchased them last night and came straight home to iron them so he’d have one for today and one for tomorrow – because I dropped the ball with the dry cleaning and didn’t get it dropped off in time and now it won’t be back when he needs it. My punishment? Shopping for men’s dress shirts and then ironing them.) So Oprah and Gayle were road-tripping, singing along to Kenny Rogers - Hello?! Why was I not invited on this trip? – and spending a few days bonding.

“I need a new best friend,” I told Hubby, who was lying in bed watching me iron. I’m sure there’s some sort of sexual fetish going on there, but trust me, watching Oprah in my worn-out pj’s while ironing was not an intentional man-gettin’ activity. I guess it was just my natural sexual prowess. Hehe. “Besides you, of course.”

“Why? You HAD a best friend, but you f***ed it up,” he replied sarcastically.

See, I recently broke up with my BFF. We have known each other since we were 15. I was her child’s godmother. We were in each other’s weddings. The simplest reason I can offer for the demise of our friendship is that she felt I couldn’t offer her the support she needed, and I felt too many conditions were being placed on my friendship. I couldn’t be her Yes Man and still maintain my integrity, and since we’re no longer in high school and we couldn’t seem to agree to disagree, the friendship is effectively over. It makes me sad.

“I need someone I can go on road trips with. Someone to laugh with and have inside jokes with,” I explained.

“But Oprah and Gayle have a lesbian thing going on,” which may or may not be true. Even they alluded to it, jokingly, during their road trip.

“I don’t even have anyone I could be lesbians with!” I cried. “You have a best friend, someone you’ve known since middle school, and a shared history. I don’t have that.”

The truth is, I don’t have a BFF. I have plenty of friends and I have some of the BEST friends a girl could ever need, but I don’t have a BFF. I need a Partner in Crime - that one woman who is honest and hilarious and not afraid to call me on all my sh*t, my soul mate in friend form, like Thelma and Louise or Laverne and Shirley. My mother’s best friend feels like a second mom to me.  I have fond memories of them just being together, and I want that kind of natural friendship. It’s hard to lose your best friend when you’re a little kid, and honestly, it’s hard at 37.

I know things change and people grow apart. I think about some of the really fun friendships I’ve had, and I don’t know why I have never had that ONE long-lasting friendship that you read about in chick-lit. I realize the common denominator here is me. What’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning?

So now I need a Gay Husband and a Gay Wife.

"Smiling's my favorite!"

The candidates, in no particular order, are:
1. Sassy Gay Friend – because I luuuuurrve him.
2. Bethenny - because b*tch is the new b*tch, B*tch.  And besides that, if Girlfriend has a way for me to get skinny by drinking margaritas, we NEED to be friends.
3. Kate & Lydia from Rants from Mommyland – although they already have each other.
4. Karen and/or Jack from Will & Grace
5. Cam from Modern Family
6. Jen Lancaster, because I love a Preppy B*tch (and her website is called Jennsylvania. WHY didn’t I think of that?)
7. someone who owns a beach house and wants to invite me there often.
8. Buddy the Elf.

This is an amendment to my previous list of people with whom I want to be friends.


PS - nominate my blog!
Click on the pink button: Mommy Blog Awards