Gayle? Are you out there?

I’ve recently stated that I need a Gay Husband because I could use some help around the house, some decorating advice, and a date to concerts my husband doesn’t want to see. Following this logic, his dearth of parental responsibilities would enable him to avail himself to my every whim. I wanna get my toes done at 6 pm on a Tuesday because Hubby just happened to get home early? Guess who’s coming along!

Turns out, I need a Gay Wife too.

I was ironing shirts last night and watching Oprah and Gayle on their recent camping trip. (Side note: I was ironing two brand new shirts for my husband. I purchased them last night and came straight home to iron them so he’d have one for today and one for tomorrow – because I dropped the ball with the dry cleaning and didn’t get it dropped off in time and now it won’t be back when he needs it. My punishment? Shopping for men’s dress shirts and then ironing them.) So Oprah and Gayle were road-tripping, singing along to Kenny Rogers - Hello?! Why was I not invited on this trip? – and spending a few days bonding.

“I need a new best friend,” I told Hubby, who was lying in bed watching me iron. I’m sure there’s some sort of sexual fetish going on there, but trust me, watching Oprah in my worn-out pj’s while ironing was not an intentional man-gettin’ activity. I guess it was just my natural sexual prowess. Hehe. “Besides you, of course.”

“Why? You HAD a best friend, but you f***ed it up,” he replied sarcastically.

See, I recently broke up with my BFF. We have known each other since we were 15. I was her child’s godmother. We were in each other’s weddings. The simplest reason I can offer for the demise of our friendship is that she felt I couldn’t offer her the support she needed, and I felt too many conditions were being placed on my friendship. I couldn’t be her Yes Man and still maintain my integrity, and since we’re no longer in high school and we couldn’t seem to agree to disagree, the friendship is effectively over. It makes me sad.

“I need someone I can go on road trips with. Someone to laugh with and have inside jokes with,” I explained.

“But Oprah and Gayle have a lesbian thing going on,” which may or may not be true. Even they alluded to it, jokingly, during their road trip.

“I don’t even have anyone I could be lesbians with!” I cried. “You have a best friend, someone you’ve known since middle school, and a shared history. I don’t have that.”

The truth is, I don’t have a BFF. I have plenty of friends and I have some of the BEST friends a girl could ever need, but I don’t have a BFF. I need a Partner in Crime - that one woman who is honest and hilarious and not afraid to call me on all my sh*t, my soul mate in friend form, like Thelma and Louise or Laverne and Shirley. My mother’s best friend feels like a second mom to me.  I have fond memories of them just being together, and I want that kind of natural friendship. It’s hard to lose your best friend when you’re a little kid, and honestly, it’s hard at 37.

I know things change and people grow apart. I think about some of the really fun friendships I’ve had, and I don’t know why I have never had that ONE long-lasting friendship that you read about in chick-lit. I realize the common denominator here is me. What’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning?

So now I need a Gay Husband and a Gay Wife.

"Smiling's my favorite!"

The candidates, in no particular order, are:
1. Sassy Gay Friend – because I luuuuurrve him.
2. Bethenny - because b*tch is the new b*tch, B*tch.  And besides that, if Girlfriend has a way for me to get skinny by drinking margaritas, we NEED to be friends.
3. Kate & Lydia from Rants from Mommyland – although they already have each other.
4. Karen and/or Jack from Will & Grace
5. Cam from Modern Family
6. Jen Lancaster, because I love a Preppy B*tch (and her website is called Jennsylvania. WHY didn’t I think of that?)
7. someone who owns a beach house and wants to invite me there often.
8. Buddy the Elf.

This is an amendment to my previous list of people with whom I want to be friends.


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A Thursday Treat for all SEVEN of You

That's right, seven whole people are interested in my self-absorbtion and are following my blog.  So this is for you and you and you and you and you and you and you.  And me, of course.

I am NOT a morning person.  In fact, morning people really tend to annoy me.  My dad is a morning person.  My husband is a morning person.  How are these people allowed in my life?  When I started working (back when I used to get paid to mold young minds and shape the future of America) I was amazed that the world was all abuzz so early in the morning.  Darkness means sleepy-time, which is why I MAY have lied to my children last night and why I am not looking forward to the end of Daylight Saving Time.  It's getting dark earlier, which is how I was able to get all three of my children in bed last night at 7:15.  I'll pause here until your applause dies down.  

Hubby was working late and our offspring were driving me UP THE FRIGGIN' WALL with their bathtub splashing, naked rough-housing, and bathroom humor.  I set the timer for 30 minutes and sent them to their rooms to look at books.  And it worked.  They relaxed and got sleepy, and it was only 7:15 when we turned the lights out.  I didn't really LIE to them; I just failed to tell them that they still had 45 minutes until their usual bed time.  It's gonna be our little secret, so all seven of you better keep your pie-holes shut.

Alas, morning arrived and Medium almost missed the bus.  My husband will tell you it’s because I fail to plan ahead.  I will tell you that I have every intention of getting out of the house on time, but sh*t  happens, and in my defense, on the days when Hubby takes them to the bus, he doesn’t have to worry about the baby.  This morning’s issue was shoes, and the lack thereof.  The boys were dressed, ate breakfast, had their hair combed, inhaler puffed, vitamins ingested, lunch packed, jackets and backpacks on, and we were on our way out the door when I realized they didn’t have shoes on.  I got Large’s shoes tied and sent him out the door.  I got Medium’s shoes on and sent him out the door.  All Baby Bjorned in my comfies, unbrushed teeth, and unkempt hair, I followed Medium up the street as he booked it to the bus, which was making its familiar screech of impending arrival.  Medium was limping because one of his shoes was coming off, and his backpack was bouncing from side to side as he tried to run/limp towards his Great Yellow Chariot.  Seriously, watching kids run with backpacks on always strikes me as funny.  They look like little jet-packed nerds.

Random Thursday Thoughts:

1. I saw Alpha Mom at Target yesterday.  You know the type.  Alpha Mom is a former class mom (natch) who NEVER acknowledges me, even though we have met on several occasions.  Am I THAT unmemorable?  She has perfect hair and she always looks showered, and I assume her perfect children probably DON'T wipe boogers on the couch.  Whatevs.  I have seen her at the craft store, Starbucks, Target, and the gym even though she apparently hasn't seen me.  Yesterday I purposely avoided eye contact, lest her continued rejection further damage my self-esteem.  Instead I texted my girlfriend three simple words: "Alpha Mom Sighting," and she knew EXACTLY to whom I was referring.  Take that, you bangs-wearing, pretentiously-named-child-having Mother Superior.  I bet she drinks decaf.

"What, what, what are you doing?"

2. I need a Sassy Gay Friend.  I once had a gay acquaintance tell me my jeans were fabulous and that I needed to “own” my plus size self.  And I believed him.  I would never believe my girlfriends or my husband, (Mr. Eats-Deli-Sliced-Ham-Off-A-Paper-Plate-In-Bed.) I have some gay friends, but I wouldn’t consider them particularly sassy. 

Tangential list of people I want to be friends with:

• Cam from Modern Family
• Sassy Gay Friend
• Caitlynn and Tyler from Teen Mom – really I just want to give them both a big, fat hug, tell them how much I admire their decision to put their baby up for adoption, and reassure them that they’re going to be okay even though all their adult “role models” are IDIOTS.
• Spencer from iCarly
• Ms. Dolly Parton 

           

3. My husband sometimes has no filter, which means that what comes into his brain comes out of his mouth before Rational Thought can warn him that he is about to hurt my feelings.  Luckily he has me.  I pout for a few days, then I give him the opportunity to apologize by leaving him this: 

It can happen to Woody.  It can happen to you too.

 (That, my friends, is a blurry photo of Woody's severed head and a note that reads 

"You're next, unless you apologize for criticizing my work here at home.  Love, your 1st wife.")

4. I lost FOUR POUNDS at Weight Watchers this week, despite consuming no fewer than 1,760 calories of Starbucks Caffeinated Yumminess and eating candy corn for breakfast. 

5. I think Heywood Banks is a genius:  "Yeah Toast!" is my new morning anthem.

6. And finally, how cute is my baby?

Moo.

Coming soon – people I am going to vote off my island . . .